A Twinkle In Time

Taco Bell

2011-11-17T07:49:00.001-05:00

So two days ago I was blessed with getting a real job at the new KFC/Taco Bell. It's only the second week it has been open and it stays busy but I was excited because they pay weekly. It's small things like that which allows me to know God is walking with me.

I have to renew my domain name when I get paid because as of right now the site is down. Kind of aggravating but I haven't had the money to do any better.

Xay finally got over his ear infection and mostly over is cold. He is so much like me in personality yet he is also very much his own person.

I got about 15 minutes before I got to go in to work. 8 hours of pure craziness but it's worth it I don't have any other choice at the moment. I do wonder how this will effect my holiday plans though.

I go to Win City to see David tonight. Hard to believe its been a week already since he got in trouble. I miss him something crazy but I know I got stuff I have to keep going till he gets out.

Well time to go in. Hope y'all have a blessed day.

Dropped The Balls

2011-11-09T11:52:00.002-05:00

Childish. A bitch. Not good enough. Not enough. Just not okay. I'm sinking again. I feel the depression wrapping its cold hands like chains around my legs pulling me down into the darkness. It's different then last time though. My moods have been extreme and yet I can't seem to curve them. The sleep problem is back too. I figure I will probably loose David, because I don't have the words to make him understand.

What is wrong with me?

I am a failure I feel like because I shouldnt be back sliding. I wouldn't want to deal with me either. How do you explain the panic that grips my chest every time I walk into my room full of people? It's like I start shutting down. How do you explain the tears? Luckily he has been gone so he ain't seen that.

Part of me wishes he could understand; that he would be there and hold me. The other part of me doesn't want him to see me that weak. I feel like I am self-destructing everything. I mean I am balancing school, work, the ready-to-learn program, motherhood, my relationship, and our friends. It's like a juggling act and I feel like I dropped the balls and am trying to the rythem again. The money problem has me stressed out too with holidays coming up.

All I know is today no matter what I got to put that smile on and hold it together till the lights go out. Maybe I can fool myself along with everyone else into thinking I am okay and not as big of a bitch as I have seemed the last two days.

The Car ordeal

2011-11-06T15:47:00.004-05:00

I cannot begin to put into words how aggravated I am. Today I got my car back from Chris finally after 2 months. And it was trashed. Both my passenger windows are gone completely which is $100, the radiator is busted so that is $136.99 + labor, he apparently sold the tires that were on my car because I now need 4 new tires, he sold the speakers and amp, and I still need a back windshield. So I would say all together I will spend close to $1000 to fix everything. Which is crazy cuz the car was only $1500 when we bought it and it is only worth $500 now.

I can't put into words how I feel because there is no words for the situation. I am just extremely pissed and if I ever lay eyes on him again it will be to soon.

Trick-or-Treat Hangovers

2011-10-31T18:20:00.000-04:00

It's official I am on a pretty bad hangover. It sucks.

I took Xay trick-or-treating tonight with PJ and Mom. He was little Frankie costume that I got to do a review with earlier this year in this post. He had a blast toddling around and holding his bucket up to get candy. It was so different from last year.

No idea

2011-10-30T18:07:00.000-04:00

Not really sure what to write but I wanna rewrite something I wrote when I was younger.

Whatever happens or whatever has happened, I did what I did. My choices, for the most part, have been my own. I need no justification, no clarification, nor any absolution. I live my life like anyone else -- one moment at a time. My choices are made out of obligation, necissity, frustration, or sometimes just spontaneously. Still, they were my own, and I have lived with the consequences.

What is the point in guilt? Will anyone else know my guilt? If so. will it be known that it is geunine? If so, will it mamtter? No.

So go ahead, live my life. See the world through my eyes. Deal with what I've dealt with and then when you land on my doorstepin my shoes you can tell me what I've done wrong and how to correct it. When you have held my pain and ectasy, when you've felt my loss and accomplisments, when you've kknwon the falls and rushes then...then you come to me and tell me what YOU think and how YOU feel. In the meantime don't judge me. You have no right. You have no idea.

Bath Day

2011-10-27T18:01:00.000-04:00

Today was an okay day it started out slow but I am starting to realize most days do. I had to work from 9am-3:30pm. It was pantry day so I dealt with a steady flow of people. I ain't so sure about it anymore. I would like to go back to my old job at the college.

Spent the rest of the day chillin. Done some catching up on some school work and played some video games.

Mom brought Xay home while she helped dad work. I fed him and gave him a bath. We played till mom came home. Not sure bout the rest of the night cuz I dealt with Crhis and now I think Dave is mad at me. I am gonna try to go to bed

The Sex Talk?

2011-10-25T17:58:00.000-04:00

I was on edge all day. According to everyone I was a bitch. I couldn't help it though because all I wanted was some peace and quiet and with 7 head in one room 8 counting me it was hard. It was frustrating; people got on my nerves and I ended up taking it out on people that didn't deserve it.

I had a talk about how many people I selpt with and how many I interact with pretty much on a everyday basis. It never seemed weird before because if I don't have strings attached it is easy to bounce back into the friend role. When they are ex's there is usually an awkward period and then we slip back into friend mode it has alway been that simple.

I also dealt with Chris last night. I wish he was what his pretty words said. But he ain't and I have head those promises before. Does that mean I just stopped loving him? No. But I let go weeks ago and had time to deal with it while he hasn't. I didn't expect it to be a clean break and he has been literallly begging me to let him come home. All I can say is that I am sorry. I hate hurting people. That is why I always wait for the guy to end it. He told me on a voicemail that he was probably going to do something stupid and I wouldn't put it past him but if he loved me so much he would have come home.

I just want my own family. I want my own home, to get married, and to have another baby. It seems so unreachable right now.

Carrie asked when I went in if I thought I was stable. I think I am stable but today I don't know. I have been feeling nervous and anxious. I took one of the vistril yesterday hoping it would calm me down but no luck. Not really sure about it.

I have a lot on my mind and it is so hard to sort through it all to put it on paper or to even dwell on any one single thought. I just want what is best for Xay. I don't want to mess up his life because of my choice.

Weight On My Shoulder But I Ain't Sinking

2011-10-24T17:47:00.000-04:00

I was pretty aggravated the whole day. Work was slow; the whole day went slow. My room stayed full and I work well with two people but you add more then that I normally won't talk to much. Gets on my nerves.

I broke up with Chris officially today. It takes a huge weight off my shoulders. Though I miss Lexi and Mikaya.

The holiday season is around the corner. So the crunch again is on to make enough money to buy presents and pay bills. Not sure how I will work it but so far God has blessed me with the way things have worked out. Has me feeling nervous though. It's hard to see a good outcome.

Though its good to not be alone constantly and its good to gave someone to be there. I don't have that sinking feeling anymore.

Laid Back

2011-10-22T17:43:00.000-04:00

Today was a pretty laid back day. The boys been at the house all day so they been on the xbox and computer. It's good to just hang out with them and not have to be anyone but me.

The talk always comes back at least once to how things will change when Chris gets back and its frustrating because things aren't that easy. Not much I can say till I sort things out for myself. I do wish I had my car because mom is driving me crazy over hers.

I am hoping things will work out with moving. I feel bad to have to do it to my mom but it is about time. Plus mom and dads landlord will be wanting me to get rid of my dog so it is just better this way. I just hope I ain't getting my hopes up for nothing.

Unsolved

2011-10-21T17:36:00.000-04:00

Today was a frustrating day where my parents are concerned. They started on me over money for Xay's food for the party. They made it seem like $6 on the food stamp card was so bad for them to pay because they paid for the cake and part of the pizza. Like they were trying to say they paid for his party when I bought everything. It made me feel like a bad mom because I wanted to save $10 to make it through the week.

I still feel down now because I can't provide like I should. Down like I could lay and cry but I can't let emotions control me. So instead I feel numb pulling away from the comfort offered.

Today was one of those days. So many questions bounce through my mind unanswered, unsolved.

Relationship complications

2011-10-20T23:00:00.000-04:00

Today was Xay's second birthday. It is hard to believe how much things have changed in a year. Xay has gotten so big and independent. It makes me wanna have another baby. Maybe someday.

Chris called today. Said he would be home tomorrow but I told him he needed to have money to give my parents or he wouldn't have no place to come to. I don't really know what to say to him anymore. I wish he would loose the attitude and gain some respect. Maybe things would work out but as of right now things look bleak.

The one thing I will miss when Chris comes back is just chillin with my friends. Because all of them are guys and I would have to be all on the edge not to say or something that might start a fight. I just want things to stay as simple as it is right now.

Tomorrow has been good so hopefully tomorrow will too and Xay's birthday party will go smooth.

Happy Second Birthday Xay!

2011-10-20T10:52:00.000-04:00

Dearest Piglet,

Today you are two years old. It is hard to believe that it has been that long since you were in my stomach and ready to come join the world. You make me so proud to have you as my son. Everyday you are learning new words and doing new things. Your personality comes through so strong and I know there as so many more amazing things to come.

Today is your birthday baby and yes like you say you are two! People say that we will go through the terrible twos but I say that its just me shining through. Because Lord knows you are Mr Independent and you have selective hearing to. Yesterday I swear I said your name 10 times and all you would do is peak out from behind the recliner and shake your head at me. I could eat you up I love you so my sweet little boy. You have grown so big and so tall coming it at about 38 inches and 36lbs. You got your daddys feet too because you are already pushing out the size 6 shoes and ready for 7's.

You are the resident animal terrorist too. From trying to ride the dog to dragging one cat by the tail everywhere to strangling the other with your hugs, you managed to get the hamster out of the cage so you could hug it, and you even managed to your mamaws wild finch and have it on the bed holding it.

Everyone in this house loves you so much baby and we would all walk through fire for you. So I hope today is really amazing and I hope your party tomorrow rocks. Happy birthday baby! I love you.

Rainy Idle Days

2011-10-19T17:31:00.000-04:00

Wednesday is food pantry giveaway so I dealt with a lot of people today. I don't mind but today is one of those days I just don't feel. I don't feel like smiling, I don't feel like being at work, I just don't feel happy. But I go through days like this. It is a reminder that I still fight with depression but most days it seems like I keep it in check.

Today is a rainy idle day and that means more time for my mind to wonder. It feels like there is a million things swirlling in my head yet I can't grab on to one single thought and it leaves me feeling so overwhelmed. I can't put it on paper or even on hear because my mind does not have the words. I try to day dream to pass time Lord knows I have an active imagination and if only dreams come true.

Lessons Learned

2011-10-19T01:00:00.000-04:00

Today was one of those days. Mom was on one of her rants about everything she has to pay, how I shouldn't walk anywhere because I could get kidnapped. We ended up fighting over it.

I possibly found a house for $250 a month.I think I can afford it by December but it kind of scares me the thought of having more bills and worrying if I take the food stamps then mom and dad won't have food.

I told mom I found and a house possibly and she got mad and asked what I would do when she moved to Campbellsville. Jackson is home; maybe not so much the town as these mountains. They are a part of my identity.

She has an issue with most of the people I am around. I have learned though over the last year that you shouldn't judge people for what they do but rather how they treat you as a person. If they haven't done me wrong then why judge them?

Mom says I will regret every thing someday and maybe I will regret some but I also think mistakes are lessons learned. I yearn so bad to have a calm life and even now there is still so much drama. I love my mom but I hate her ways and I know she is the same way about me.

Best part of the day was laying with Xay and watching Toy Story 3 on the computer. He is such an independent boy just like me...well worse to hear my parents talk. I am happy he is though in a way. I know he might be a handful but he will stand on his own two feet and hopefully never be pushed around. I want him to grow up and question what does not seem right and to learn to make his own choices but that every choice has a consequence.

Time for bed it's close to 1am and I have to be back up at 7:30am.

Reflections of Today

2011-10-17T17:16:00.000-04:00

Today was a boring and pretty uneventful. Had a meeting with a Ready to Work person and a meeting with my therapist. Then I took my friends to run a couple errands and visited with Dameon and Kayla.

My mom doesn't want me around the Winchester guys because she says they are bad news. I gave them a ride any way.

Tonight Xay and I watched cartoons and he played with Gotti.

Laying here reflecting today wasn't a overly great day but it wasn't a bad day either. We will se what tomorrow brings.

Wordless Wednesday - The Cabinet Incident

2011-10-05T23:55:00.000-04:00

David

2011-10-01T18:15:00.000-04:00

David has been at the house going on two weeks. I never expected to hook up with him because he is only 18 but the thing is he treats me so good, he makes me feel like I am special and like I matter rather then like I am a piece of shit.

He told me yesterday he could see himself loving me. I wanted to tell him I could fall for him too but I am scared to. I am scared to let him in because I am scared that he will just get bored and move on.

The funny thing is that he sometimes says things that make me thing he doesn't fully trust me. Sometimes things have to be earned though. But I have been on my best behavior. I want him to trust me more then anything. It's kind of weird because with Chris I got to the place where I just didn't care anymore...it was like I was cold. But David makes me feel alive again. The one thing I appreciate the most is how he is willing to go places with me.

I guess only time will tell how this will work out.I just really want this to be the real deal. I am a 22 year old mom. I don't want just a stable relationship I want a family.

Wordless Wednesday - Xay's "cute" face

2011-09-28T09:00:00.000-04:00

Tattooed Mamas

2011-09-26T09:00:00.000-04:00

Getting tattoos can be a hobby or be about something that really matters. I have had a lot of arguments with my mother about getting tattoos and also find myself explaining my tattoos to other people often. But when you stop to think about it more and more mamas are stepping outside what people used to see as the norm and starting to get tatted up.

This one was for my sister and brothers.

For me my first tattoo was a mistake actually it wouldn't have been a mistake had it been done properly and stayed the first time rather it ended up being covered up by a purple cherry blossom in memory of my grandmother after about four years. My next tattoos would include a lotus flower on my left foot and a sock (like a sleeve) on my right foot which consists of three stars for my brothers and sister, a breastfeeding fairy for my son, a claddagh for my irish heritage, the adoption sign for the fact that I was adopted when I was four days old, the cherry blossom and the word family because my foot is about family. The final piece will be a crown to finish it off for my mother because pageants were always mine and her thing. I also have a wooden skeleton key because I always loved that type of key and also the wording "For our life to be about today, cantering towards tomorrow, without yesterday reminders." Which is my little reminder.

But I am not the only one with tattoos. Today there are a lot of mamas out there getting tatted up. So I decided to get on to Mckmamas community and ask the question about how people felt about tattoos. Here were some of the responses that I liked.

This was my second tat and it for me was a sign that no
matter where you come from you can grow into something
beautiful.

Betsy from Funky Mama Bird said "I edit a tattoo magazine and I can't tell you how many women (myself included!) got tattoos BECAUSE they are moms. I had three tats before I had my son, then I had a tat of two birds linked put on my hand to represent my son and I. He loves it and loves to point out the "Mama birdie" and the "Gunne birdie."

Shiela stated that she ":) just got a tat yesterday - 3 hearts on my foot - the colors of the hearts are my 3 daughter's birthstones. it's my 2nd one (i'm 45)....as long as they are tasteful, i don't have a problem, and my daughters know that it is something that i didn't do until i was married and was sure that their dad wouldn't mind. i have not regretted mine! :) "

The breastfeeding fairy was a symbol of my
motherhood journey. The bird was later covered
up by a purple cherry flower for my grandmother.

Penny said "I got my first tattoo last year right after I turned 40. It's on my upper back - an outline of the state of TX with the state flag colored in. I love it. My 5YO is asking when it's going to come off (he's had temporary tattoos and I guess that's what he thinks it is). "

The Mommy from Long Daze Short Years told a story of her daughter, "My daughter (then 3) and I were shopping and we saw a young woman with all of her visible skin covered in tattoos. My daughter, full of concern, said, "Oh, NO, Mommy! That lady has marker ALL OVER her!!" LOL! She had just gotten in a bit of trouble the day before for coloring on herself..."

The claddagh is for my Irish heritage and the circle/triangle is
the national sign for adoption.

Every person has some kind of reason at the time they get a tattoo yet there are still people out there that think tattoos are bad. What do I say? I say to each person their own. I as of yet do not have any tattoos that I cannot cover up. Mainly because I try and work and I don't particularly want to be stuck trying to hide a lot of tattoos because people think it is "unprofessional." But there are those that are tatted out and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

As for people wondering if it is setting a bad example for the kids my belief is that in todays society this is something kids are going to see and deal with especially as they get older. I plan to teach my son and any future kids that if they want a tattoo they need to think hard about it and make sure that it is something they won't regret later in life. A tattoo should have a special meaning and even if someone else doesn't get it as long as they know what it means that is all that matters.

Filling in The Time

2011-09-25T18:45:00.001-04:00

The last 12 days have been fairly boring. Chris has been gone on what he said was a much needed "break," so he along with my car is in Ohio for a unannounced period of time. Much to my dismay I might put in here. Though I have been lonely due to the lack of his presence I have spent a whole heck of a lot of time reading, walking, spending time with Xay, and thinking. I have been going absolutely crazy within the confines of this house and so I find the need to fill my time with something.

So far I have been placed at the local food pantry to volunteer on Mon, Tue, Wed, and Fri. I have Youth/College bible study that I want to start going to on Saturday nights and on Sundays I have church, church lunch, and hopefully community choir. Thursdays is gonna turn into mommy/son time because mom does papers. So I think that fills my week with something but it still leaves a lot of time.

So yesterday I decided to find something to fill that time with. So I decided to take Xay's Halloween / Fall pictures. The shirt is one that I found at The Children's Place. I thought it was too cute and it glows in the dark. It is actually a 3T so it will probably make a reapperance next year too.

A Twinkle In Time Photo Editing

2011-09-22T11:47:00.000-04:00

I am into my third sessions at the Art Insititue of Pittsburgh Online studying for my bachelors in Graphic Design. I have been doing a lot of photo editing no just for class but for personal pleasure to build up my portfolio because I want to eventually open a buisness for photography. But as it is right now I am just doing photo editing. Which requires the person to provide a clear picture.

For strictly editing and emailing a picture the price is $10.

For editing and printing of two 4x6's the price is $15.

For editing and printing of one 8x10 the price is $25.

Here are some samples of my work:

If you wish to contact me the number is (606)272-9311 or email me at xaysmommy @ hotmail.com

Passing Thoughts

2011-09-03T13:17:00.000-04:00

Life has been pretty much at a stand still involving lots of prayer. The need to get a job rises everyday and lack of a dependable car and lack of funds to leave this small town to get a job is hampering my hopes.

I feel like an utter failure. Like the harder I try to get my priorities in order something stands in my way. Balancing everything is hard and quite frankly without being to provide is killing me because I have managed in 9 months to destroy my credit, loose my bank account, have my car fall apart piece by piece....well thats just half.

Xay is getting so big on me. He will be 2 years old in October. He weighs 32lbs and is 36in. He says sentences like "momma want dat!" He calls his mamaw "mamah." He is the bane of our kittens existence. Sometimes he holds them right others we are chasin after him tryin to save them from being choked to death. He also had a run in with squeezing his dada's hamster and almost getting bit.

He tends to tumble off our porch and no matter how many times he does he still likes to get as close to the edge as possible. He gets bumps and bruises and has knees that look like they been well worked. The hair might fool people but this child is all boy. And the scary thing is he is just like PJ and I.

I find myself wondering what it will be like when he gets 16. I will be 36. Which really isn't as super old as I used to think. I wonder how he will be because his daddy and me both had a wild streak. I wonder if he will play sports. If he will be a little playa or a soft heart. I love watching him grow and years pass by quick.

This weekend is the local Honey Festival. I remember two years ago I was anxiously waiting his arrival, a year ago he wasn't even walking yet, and now he was big enough to watch the parade and pick up candy.

Sadly there will be no pictures compliments of the one who stole my camera.

Falling

2011-08-24T10:55:00.000-04:00

I have been avoiding posting lately. I haven't known what to say. I still don't know what to say now but, I feel like I am about to explode from all this pent up emotion. I have been thinking a lot about all the mistakes I have made. And I have made a lot of them especially where Chris is concerned. I have taken him for granted, wanted to run away from him, wanted to hold on to him, and now I think I might have lost him. By my own mistakes. Can I change them? No. So what do I do? I wake up each morning hoping that something will give. I mean we have both held on through a lot. We both have messed this relationship thing up.

All I want is to settle down. All I want is to get married, and have more kids. All I want is to work and make money so I can support my family. But is that possible? Apparently not.

I feel myself sinking again.

I feel myself falling into that pit of depression again.

I just hope the Lord will see fit to save me.

My Life Story Uncut Uncensored part 3 : The Current Years

2011-08-06T21:46:00.000-04:00

18 passed as a blur good times with good friends but they passed like seasons. When I was 19 I met P.J. he was a minor at the time and at first I didn't give him a second thought but persistance paid off and we started dating. Our relationship had it's up and downs from August when we started dating until I found out that was pregnant 5 months into our relationship. We were both excited though and ready for our Piglet to come along. When we found out it was a boy P.J. was excited and so was I. We decided to name him Xadrian because I lost the battle on naming him Adrian. Xadrian Rollan Todd came into the world on October 20, 2009. P.J. and I stayed together off and on until Xay was 9 months old when we called it quits.

Right after that Chris came back into the picture. Chris being my first love and someone I hadn't quite got over I jumped on the chance to get back together with him. I thought the road with P.J. and I was tough but this road has been harder. It didn't help that when we first got together I was diagnosed with depression and aniexity. From there the first round of meds made me not feel....I was in his words a zombie. Now it has nearly been a year since he came home and life is kind of at a stand still.

I am 22 years old, $9,000 in debt, unemployed (not by choice), a mom, and a college student. Life isn't easy by no means. I have lived in the same small town since I was 3 years old and I have had a good name and a bad name. But I keep having faith that God will straighten my life out eventually and maybe I can be the one walking down the isle like my friend did today and be as happy as she was.

My Life Story Uncut Uncensored part 2 : The Teen Years

2011-07-30T13:00:00.001-04:00

When I was 13 I wanted to sing in school badly. So my mom teamed up with the local middle school which allowed me to take four classes. I would take science, math, journalism, and choir at the school and then take history and the rest of the classes at home. That was like an eye opener to the world at a whole. Before I had been rather sheltered. I had home school friends which were prodominately Christians. Going to public school introduced me to people doing drugs, smoking, cussing, and boys. I stayed a good girl actually amazingly for a few years. I had little boyfriends here and there but my first real love and the rebellion that happened afterwards came at 15.

15 was the year I lost my virginity to a boy whom made me feel like I owed it to me. 15 was the year I met Chris for the first time my first love even though it lasted three weeks we became good friends off and on over the years. 15 was the year I got black out drunk for the first time and that is something I still regret to this day.

16 I met Jamie who was almost 10 years my senior. That was my first taste of the world of drugs close up and personal. Managed to stay clean because I got beat and shit got broke everytime he got high on xanxs. I was scared to leave yet scared to stay. One particularly bad fight where he was breaking my stuff that I actually cherished caused me to snap I ran out the house which ended in my parents and I fighting my dad restraining me in a head lock and the police getting called. I told them to take me to the Juvenile Dention Center. I processed and locked up for 5 days. Taught me a hard lesson. It was my choice to be there but that didn't make it no easier. I got pulled aside a lot by the guards wanting to know why I was there because I was such a good girl, warning me not to try to talk to the others because they were "bad seeds."

17 rolled around and I finally broke free of Jamie only to trade one drug addict for another. This one introduced me to the world of weed. I became an active smoker. I worked hard and in turn played hard. Chris came back into the picture for the second time when I turned 18 we made another go of it but he was to bad on drugs for us to work so I left him. I dated this red headed boy for a while the only real thing we had in common was smoking weed. I was a much mellower person less mouthy towards my parents I turned graduated a year early...took my GED and ACT which I got a 22 on. I was doing college work at of the summer of 2006.

My Life Story Uncut Uncensored part 1 : The Early Years

2011-07-29T15:52:00.000-04:00

Before I was born my mother planned to give me up. I was the daughter to a white drug addict and a black man whom she had my brother by 13 months before me. I was born out of revenge sex acording to her. My grandparents had her other three kids age 2,1, 1 year and they didn't want another baby. No one told my dad. I was never supposed to know her but for the first four days of my life she took care of me. Until I was given to my family whom was white; a woman who wanted a tanned skin daughter badly and a man that just thought the world shined through this little green bundle. I was the baby. My adopted mother had two sons previously. One had died when he was five years old when our brother then nine years old ran over him with a tractor and haybaler.

I was raised an only child however because by the time I came along my brother was married and had a child about three years older then I am. When we lived in central Kentucky we used to play a lot she and I. I also had a cousin (my dads, sisters son) whom I insisted that I was going to marry when I grew up. I was two what can I saw.

My mother put me in pageants from the time I was three months old. I was always going to some place to compete. I actually got her turned in for child abuse once at a pagenat when I we was at a fair in July. I was twirling around the poles of the tent when she told me to stop but I was having way to much fun. She marched me across the cow field all the while me crying I want my daddy and I will get moo poo on my dress! A couple swats landed her in a lot of trouble. After that she decide to have my dad take a job oppoutunity that would take us 181 miles away from our family to the Appalachian foothills in Kentucky. At three years old I arrived here I was one two mixed kids at the time in this town and I got asked a lot if I was her sister. My dad worked as a disc jockey at the local radio station, both active in the local festival community life wasn't always easy but we lived okay.

When I was 6 that changed my dad had a stroke. What went from a playful father turned into someone I couldn't play with because I would get hurt. It wasn't that he meant to he just no longer knew his own strength. He know longer could think and carry on a conversation the way he could before so he lost his job. Life was rough for awhile mom took on cleaning jobs dad finally got unemployment life went on. Pagenats were still the constant in my life throughout everything that happened around me.

We would travel to Central Kentucky a lot to see the family. My granny (my mothers mom) was a constant too she would tell me stories about her kids and her life growing up. She came to live with us briefly. She wasn't happy it wasn't home. She was a tough woman too when she would watch me. She moved back to Central Kentucky after a few months.

My mother lost me once in the house. We had a cubboard under the stairs (haha Harry Potter pun intended) which I thought was nifty I was I would say about 5 or 6 and I didn't want to take a bath that night. So I grabbed my teddy (the one I had since I was born at the hospital), and a flash light and curled up in a box of blankets and went to sleep. My mother yelled for me searched every room, down the street to the neighbors, and finally called the cops. The officer opened the door to the closet and there I was sound asleep perfectly fine.

I was pulled out of school when I was in the third grade due to racism and bullying. I was home schooled and that was pretty cool because we would travel and I would do school. We went to visit my papaw (my dads father) in Michigan and went to the Henry Ford Mueseum with my best friend at the time. It was pretty cool all kinds of Model T fords and stuff like that. I was to young probably 8-9 and couldn't fully apperciate it but the cars stick in my memory. It took us until I was 12 to get the internet and then it was over. My school had to be on the computer and when I wasn't on the computer doing school I was on the internet looking stuff up and role playing with my friends. I learned a lot.

TBC....The Teen Years.

Who Needs Meds?

2011-07-23T12:22:00.001-04:00

So this is like week 1 without my medicine. I went to Ohio for 5 days and forgot my meds at home and I didn't feel any different with them as I did without them. Which is better then last time. So does this mean I am no longer depressed? I am not sure. I haven't gone to my doctor to find out but I am hoping that its a good sign because I really hate taking pills daily.

Anyways about Ohio. Chris almost stayed up there not leaving me but he had a really good job op that he kind of wanted to take but I would be going home until he found a place. That just didn't work because there was no way that I really wanted to live up there. Nothing against Ohio because I got family in the Nati but I really hate the town we were going to be staying in. It was all about drugs up there too people are on that boy real bad and that is something that I don't have to worry about in our little KY mountain town. I mean you hear about pill busts because eastern KY is bad for that but in comparison to heroin that is a big difference.

I have spent a lot of time with Xay over the last couple of days since we got home. I missed him something crazy while I was away. It makes it easier knowing that he is with his daddy and mamaw and papaw and that he is well taken care of when I am away. But I still hate being gone for long periods of time. People look down on me a lot because I leave him but the alternative is taking him with me and Chris tattoos which means we never really know what kind of situation we are walking into when he goes to someone elses house. Now excuse me but I consider myself a better parent by leaving my son home instead of dragging him along to pull whatever kind of hours we are pulling to make money. Which by the way never lasts long enough because daily living expenses are just as hard as bills.

I think that instead of being depressed now I am just super stressed because I cannot find a job and my credit card bills keep stacking up and I am well on my way to being sued for bills. In seven months I racked up close to $9000 in bills and let me tell you something when you can't get a job that is a scary number. I have no idea how I am going to pay that but I know one thing I need to be on my hands and knees praying because I most certainly cannot pull that number by myself.

So who needs meds really? I say not I. I really don't feel the exhaustion and that moments of utter hopelessness. Do I think my battle is over? Not really. I still have aniexty problems but I still contribute that to stress. So where do I go from here? Back to my doctor I guess. I can only imagine what she is going to say to me when she finds out I stopped taking them.

Wordless....Thursday?

2011-07-14T21:19:00.000-04:00

Adventures on Jetts Creek

2011-07-06T15:41:00.000-04:00

For two days in a row a couple weeks back we went rooting. Digging for rattleweed, ginseng, and bloodroot.

Both days we had been up in the mountains with a couple friends.

We have seen strange creatures and not so strange creatures...

We have saw some of the beautiful sights of nature...

We have even saw some things we don't see everyday...

We have learned about making money off of roots. Rattleweed brings $1.25 wet and $5.00 dry. Ginseng is $685 dry and $300 something wet. There are also blood root that looks like iodine when its root is spilt open.

Rattleweed is used for muscle relaxers. Pretty hard work but fun.

So this is my last couple days through pictures on my iPhone 3GS. I have been busy but I sure did love to work.

One Litte Boy

2011-06-30T14:34:00.001-04:00

Since May when school let out we have had Chris's nephew for the whole summer. As each days passes this little 5 year old boy has given me a reason to get out of bed every moring about 9am and stared at me til I awoke (that didn't take long). I send him downstairs for breakfest with Xay and Mom after getting him dressed and then wait for him to come back upstairs to tell me what he wants to do till his Uncle Chris wakes up.

This little boy has taught me so many lessons. This little boy brought me closer to my son. This little boy taught me how regain part of my childhood.

Steven & Gotti June 2011

For the fourth of July I plan to take him and Xay to hopefully three sets of firework shows if possible. I want to take them to our local Pig Out In The Park, the to the Buckhorn show, and then maybe if we have the cash have a BBQ and have a small firework show.

This summer has been all about learning. And I can say this little boy has taught me so much. We have another month with him an my heart begins to sadden even though I know he will come back next summer I know that it will never be this summer again.

Through God All Things are Possible.

2011-06-26T22:52:00.000-04:00

Today I experienced having three kids ages 8, 5, and 20 months.

Guess who?

Lexi, Steven, and Xay.

Today I realized that I was capible of handling multiple children and not go crazy (mind you I did catch migraine for short time while having Lexi and Steven in the car).

Today I realized I could handle my son I didn't have him for as long as I had the older two but I realized that I was capible of handling him along with managing two older kids.
It was a tough load and I respect them single mothers out there with multiple kids because I realize it is not an
easy task.

We picked Lexi up around 2pm, went to the shop did a quick tat, stopped by Grumpy's, came home and let the kids play with Xay, gave them each baths, read them a story while waiting for Chris to cook, and then finally laid down and put them to bed while watching *shivers in horror* "Beverly Hills Chihuahua." Of all the dog movies I really hate this one I voted for "Marley and Me" but it wouldn't work.

Today overall was a good day, a blessed day.

I am very thankful for the turn in Chris's attitude that allows us to connect on another level. We haven't fought in almost 5 days....not for those who don't know us we usually pick fights....

He says: "I like to make you mad."
She says: "Well I am glad you do but I most certainly don't appperciate it."

But we love each other something firece. It's that love that makes people stare like what the heck are these two doing together, his family and mine have the members that don't like him or me. But we stay optimistic. Through God all things are possible. I believe that God has us together for a purpose.

How Do You Raise Your Child

2011-06-25T20:18:00.000-04:00

I recently had time to sit and mull over discipline and parenting in general. So I decided to take the parenting.com What's Your Parenting Style Style quiz. The results are in:

When it comes to Shaping my child's character I'm Involved but Flexible "While you believe it's important to set expectations for your children, you're not too rigid about it. You recognize that sometimes they may deviate from your considered instruction to follow their own path, and that's okay. When it comes to modeling behavior for your children, you take it very seriously, but you also recognize and appreciate outside influences that may shape their behavior; they'll learn from situations and people they encounter in the world - the inspiring scout leader, the beloved Sunday School teacher, even the flaky neighbor or annoying kid up the street. Overall, you want your kids to learn the best lessons they can, whether those come straight from you and your spouse, or another source."

When it comes to making the rules I'm Authoritative "When it comes to setting rules and expectations with your kids, you're the grownup and you know what's best. And since this is the case, it's not really necessary to always explain the logic or rationale behind your rules and expectations. you're also scrupulously fair: you do your best to apply your standards equally to each child. Parents who take this approach believe that it's important for parents to make decisions for their kids and that, generally, rules and expectations shouldn't be open to discussion."

When it comes to enforcing rules I'm Lenient. "When it comes to discipline, your watchwords are tolerance and lenience, and you tend to avoid punishing your children for behaving inappropriately. As far as enforcing rules and expectations goes, lenient parents like you don't think it's necessary to get upset with kids for not obeying instructions. It's certainly not appropriate to use spanking to get children to behave, and could be self-defeating. In your opinion, kids should be allowed to do what they like without being told exactly how to behave."

So looking over the results as I type this and I am like hmmm....this sounds kind of right. I mean I believe that a community raises a child not just me and PJ and Chris and my mom and dad. If my child does something really wrong I expect whoever that sees him to jump his little butt....but if he ain't doing nothing I will kick someones butt over him ya know? When I say something I don't wanna be sassed. If he asks me though politely that is another matter all things are up to discussion.

Just the thought of the day...how do you raise your child?

I Wish Life Wasn't So Complicated.

2011-06-22T16:20:00.000-04:00

So recently (7 weeks ago) I switched college when I had a sudden illumination of what I really wanted to do...be a graphic design artist. So I started looking at online colleges that wasn't extremely expensive and accepted the fact that student loans were an okay expense. So my journey with the Art Institute Online began.

The first class we had we worked on basic stuff getting used to the software which we would be using. The whole Adobe Creative Suite 5.5. Getting used to Bridge, and Photoshop. But I had some problems with InDesign and Illustrator. Overall I completed the class with a B which is better then I had done in several semesters of regular community college. My experience was lovely, the teacher was nice and the class work was simple.

My mom is stressing herself to her death. I really believe that she is going to end up killing herself just by believing a psychic when he said she was going to have a stroke or heart attack and possibly die apparently. She is freaking out and causing her blood pressure to sky rocket, her nerves are shot. So now I have to decide how to go about soothing her nerves while keeping my boyfriend happy and while balancing two kids. It shouldn't be that difficult but my mother love her soul makes everything 20% more complicated then what things really are, I know I need to pray about it. She is depressed too and all she wants me to do is be with her like 24/7 and its frustrating because she is constantly on me about it.

I have spent a lot of time at the tattoo shop lately. Steven comes with us usually and Xay as normal stays with mom. I guess I am going to have to start scheduling time with everyone so maybe everyone can be happy. I never thought I would come to that stage but my mother is old she isn't as sharp as she used to be. I love her though just like I love my dad.

But I wish Life Wasn't So Complicated.

Major Depression Battle

2011-06-18T17:07:00.000-04:00

To all those new readers my blog has taken a turn from fullblown mommy blog to also targeting depression. It is my niche you could say like the ladies from SITs are so popular for saying a blog needs. I know that a lot of you are reading looking for answers or maybe just support and you have it with me. If you all ever need help feel free to email me.

Today I want to take a closer look into the type of depression and anxiety I suffer. According to my therapist I suffer from major depression, previously anxiety NOS but now borderline post traumatic stress.

Major depression isn't something that is easy to live with. For those of you who don't know the symptoms include:

Those symptoms might include (my thoughts on the symptoms are italic):

Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day (I found that I had no energy, that I didn't seem to get enough rest even though I would sleep longer then 8 hours a night)

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day (I feel like I am a horrible mom, like I can't make anyone happy, that I am not good enough)

Impaired concentration, indecisiveness (Can't concentrate on things like driving, or people taking)

Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day (when I did try to go to sleep it would take several hours to fall asleep.)

Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day. (I lost interest in my son, my computer, my school, my relationships almost everything that made me happy no longer held interest or made me happy)

Psychomotor agitation or retardation (restlessness or being slowed down) (I constantly wanted to be on the go. Never staying one place for long periods of time. I hated being home.)

Recurring thoughts of death or suicide (not just fearing death) ( I never had thoughts of killing myself but I did have lots of thoughts of stuff killing me.)

Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month) (I went from 140 to 120 in a month and a half).

Major depression sucks; we have been battling since my son was 9 months old (almost a year). I have been on two different meds (Celexa and Prozac) and had my dosage up from 20mg to 40mg. Now remember because Prozac works for me doesn't mean it will work for you. Celexa might work for you but in my case it made me like a Zombie.

The reason my dosage got up was because I have taken several anxiety attacks so Prozac 40mg instead of 20mg and Vistaril are what was given to me to treat them. I take vitamins regular now too (caltrate, b12, b6, iron). Overall the last week I have felt really good...but that doesn't mean the depression won't try to strike again.

Sullen Ink and Sykes

2011-06-16T16:25:00.000-04:00

Being a part of a tattoo lifestyle and and artistic lifestyle is really an alternative way to live. Chris joined in as tattoo artist for Sullen Ink in Mount Sterling, KY back in March. It was a bumpy road and he quit like three times on them. But we are back and this is my story of being part of the Sullen Family.

These people are ride or die for family. Sullen is all about family. Chris is senior artist, Fish is the owner who is right below him in tattooing, Ernest is an apprentice, Donnie is the manager. Grumpy is Fish's wife and I am of course Chris's girlfriend. Together with a few close friends we make up Sullen Ink.

Sullen Ink is not just a tattoo shop, it's a place to cultivate friendships, play video games, get pierced, or get tattooed.

My experience was all new because while having a few tattoos I had never been really in the lifestyle. Whenever Chris came along I got brought in and it is different. You have later hours, and sometimes your bored as hell, sometimes you meet the coolest people, sometimes you meet people who you wish they would leave before the tat even got started and sometimes we have walked away from a tattoo.

But this is my life. So transitioning into my new jobs at the local call center isn't to hard. I will be working for Bank of America 10 hour shifts, 4 days a week. That's going to be a good chunk of my time. But I will be at home with Xay in the mornings so that is when he is really awake. Then on my three day weekend I will bring Chris home.

The need to move is growing. I want to stop being on the road so much but either way I spend 75% of the time in a car each day.

Waiting for the lecture to load.....

2011-06-14T23:32:00.000-04:00

I have been mulling over the last few weeks while sitting here waiting for my lecture to load up so I can retry getting my assignment correct for my Introduction to Graphic Design Class. It has been an awesome class however even though I have a man who is a tattoo artist I am dreading Drawing which is my next class that starts July 11th. Taking online classes through the Art Institute has been an awesome experience and I was beyond joyful when I got my college ID. One class at a time might take me many years but I am not getting burnt out or over worked.

Speaking of work I got a job hopefully with a local tech call center. I would be working Mon-Thru off Fri-Sun. I would be working 2:15pm-1am. Not the idea hours but I like being off three days instead of two. It allows me more time to work on school too.

Things with my mom and I have been kind of rough. The thought of moving out is now a constant thought on my mind. I need a separate place one in which I feel like is my home....my nest. Chris explained that this man Mr Nobody we will call him told him that a woman loves in a way a man can never hope to love and all they want to really do is build their home. And with me that is becoming truer every day. I want to build my home.

Chris and I have been going through a rough patch. It's good though because it tests our limits and shows us how far we are willing to push ourselves to make this relationship work. That when everyone is against it that we can truly make it....or break it.

I got a chance to meet Young L.O.R.D. and Big Scoop. Both are big time rappers from Lexington who have sung with Gucci Man and Waka Flocka Flame. They said I could come up and sing for them maybe be on some of their hooks. I need to sing an r&b song but the problem is my voice is all country. Kind of mind boggling.

Anyways enough rambling my video is loaded.

Anxiety Attacks

2011-05-28T20:49:00.000-04:00

Living with depression and anxiety is not easy.

It is not fun.

I say this because as I sit here my fingers numbly typing I am still shaky from the aftermath of my second anxiety attack. It is a very strange realization when your chest starts to tighten. I thought that it wasn't going to turn into what it did. But then I got to Chris and mine friends house and all hope was lost. My breath started coming shorter, I was nervous and couldn't stop shaking and tapping my foot as we sat there. Finally I could take no more and I went to the bathroom where I proceeded for no apparent reason to my brain to begin to cry and rock.

Why?

I always thought that it would never really happen to me. I thought I was okay. And I forgot to take my meds.

But I was okay earlier.

We have Steven (Chris's nephew) who we brought home last night from Ohio. He is a great kid well behaved and a quick learner. He love to be by my moms side because she has all the animals and gardening. But that isn't my point.

We took Xay and Steven to Lexi's 8th birthday (Chris's daughter). We was good till Xay began to get sleepy and meltdown. Then we got home had a few errands to run so we dropped the kids off with mom who took them to the store. Later we took Steven with us and some of our friends to drop them off at their house and go to our friends house and as I was driving between places that was when I started feeling it come on.

Maybe it is stress?

I mean I officially have $0 and am $11000 thanks to credit cards and student loans. But I don't mind the student loan part. But the $8000 in credit card debt is stupidity on my part. Life is fast paced and these mountains don't have a lot of jobs. We are in the process of looking for a new home in another town and life is crazy.

But I still don't feel BAD.....I mean I feel tired but I had been feeling good (when I am not chasing kids lol in which I become very tired).

It's confusing to me.

2011-05-27T17:41:00.000-04:00

Today is one of those days.

Today I feel like I am drowning in this darkness that depression has me in.

Normally I think I am stronger.

How do you explain to people you really aren't stuck up? That really the fact of being around people makes you wanna panic and run the opposite direction.

How do you explain to the people you do love that you aren't okay even though you act like it.

I don't know.

I'm lost.

Wordless Wednesday - introducing Gotti Blues

2011-05-25T16:17:00.000-04:00

Michael Franti Live Free Stay Human Review

2011-05-24T08:43:00.001-04:00

A couple weeks ago I had the opportunity to review Michael Franti latest album The Sound of Sunshine and some things from the Stay Human line which he helped create.

I must say I was impressed by the Stay Human line. According to the website it was created with the purpose of providing functional and stylish apparel and gear which is made from organic, sustainable and recycled materials. 10% of all proceeds to Bumi Sehat Natural Birthing Clinic in Indonesia and the Hunter's Point Family in San Francisco.

"The Sound of Sunshine" was easy listening. It was upbeat and mellow something you would imagine listening to while doing yoga on the beach or just chilling out relaxing. It isn't something I would listen to on an everyday basis but something I would listen to when I am just trying to mellow out from the stresses of the world around me.

Hate it all

2011-05-18T20:46:00.000-04:00

I want this mirena out.

Period.

But I can't and I hate it.

I hate that I can't have another baby right now.

I hate that everyone is having babies.

I hate that people who had babies around the same time as Xay was born are once again pregnant.

I want another baby,

I want my son to grow up with siblings close to his age that he can play with.

I hate that I can't marry Chris because of what my mom would think...even though I would go elope with him right now.

I hate that everything that I really want I can't have.

End rant.

Thankful Monday

2011-05-16T11:33:00.000-04:00

Sometimes life throws you a grouchy day..

Winter 2010

Occasionally life gets you down....


May 2010

Occasionally you wake up on the wrong side of the bed...

But you still got to remain thoughtful of the blessings you have. Today I am thankful for having parents who love me, and son who is healthy, a boyfriend who is supportive, and a roof over my head.

Maybe this will turn into a weekly thing?

I can see clearly now the rain is gone....

2011-05-15T20:28:00.000-04:00

So things are looking better from my end. You see I have hit rock bottom so the only way out is up and it has been a very long journey but I am finally starting to see the light and I am beyond happy.

I started a new college. I am new going to the Art Institute Pittsburgh Online for my bachelors in Graphic Design. This is me following my own advice for once. I have told so many people that if they really loved something then that was what they should make their career. I love editing pictures, tweaking them to suit my needs. So why not turn that into a career? The average salary for a graphic designer is $43,000 a year. It isn't a lot but it is more then enough to survive on (trust my son and I live for under $20,000 a year).

Maybe the meds are doing their jobs or maybe I am just getting settled back in but I am finally gaining weight. One pound shy of being back to 125lbs and I am very happy about that. Been packing away the krispy kreme glazed donuts for real. I mashed nine of them today! I don't wanna be a skinny bitch ya'll! It is scary because I didn't know the girl looking back at me. To not be on drugs I looked bad.

I feel stronger not so tired anymore and I am starting to keep Xay more. He randomly comes up the stairs and knocks on my door all by himself other times he cries and I refuse to walk away when he is crying after to me so onto my hip he goes and up the stairs we trot. Speaking of hip I went to the chiropractor I was all out of whack! My hip was rotated my back was all outta place. He told me I shouldn't lift Xay but he must not remember what it is like to have a toddler because folks it is impossible not to lift a 18 month old.

Life with Chris has been really good. We haven't fought any and I have come to the understanding that I need to let him sleep off the days that he wakes up grouchy and feels like shit (like today). That way we don't end up fighting and he is happy and so am I. Being in a relationship means that you have to find common ground. It means you both have to be understanding of the other and work around the others faults rather then trying to force them to change something they might not be able to change. Yeah I think Chris could benefit from the same help I get but I would never force him to do something....heck I won't even force him to the hospital if he has a seizure unless it is a really really long one. Which thankfully has never happened yet but there is always that possiblity since he doesn't take his dilatin the way he is supposed to.

Anyways I feel better about blogging now. I am finally coming out of the darkness and I am thankful and blessed.

Morning dogs

2011-05-14T04:53:00.001-04:00

It's 4:39am and I was woken from a rather peaceful sleep by the barks of Marley our blue heeler / beagle hound mix from her kennel. You see unlike our newest addition Gotti Blues who is a ~~big baby~~ a year and a half pit bull. The comparison between the two dogs and their relationship with Xay are remarkably different.

You see we have had Gotti for about three days and he is fully house broke and good with other dogs (has to be to do deal with Marley). He is excellent with Xay who loves to pet (more like whack!) the "dog dog" in his words. He also loves to give Gotti hugs. All the while Gotti takes it all as a big sport without biting once.

Marley on the other hand is probably around 3.5 to 4 months. She is kennel broke but not house broke. She is also our resident biter. She is the exact reason I never keep puppies yet she is still here. It may be because of my son calling her "Mar Mar" or "pup pup" which warms my heart. Or it may be that she is actually quite smart so I know if anything her minor issues are my own fault for not working with her more. Xay isn't as found of her and he is Gotti because she does nip at him and jump on him which he hates.

Either way both dogs are loved by Xay and also by us. They have managed to wiggle a place into our hearts. Our issue now becomes finding a home that allows two inside dogs. Yup you heard correct we are going to try and move. Not just Chris, Xay, and me, but also mom and dad. But more on that one later.

Good ~~night~~ morning y'all!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-04T01:24:00.003-04:00

Rejuvenate thy body

2011-05-03T11:58:00.000-04:00

I am not the best at everyday blogging kind of like I will do really good with my meds and then forget to take them one night. In which I end up taking them the next morning which in turn makes me lazy. I have been wondering if taking these meds are really going to help me. Dr C seemed to think that it wasn't probably going to help until I took the steps to help my situation though. But where the problem lies is that nobody truly knows the full extent of the situation except for my family who lives in it everyday. The one thing that sticks out in my mind is that everyone states I am running the roads and really if you compare the last 3 months to this month there is a dramatic change in the amount of running I have been doing.

My body is telling me I need to rejuvenate. That it needs rest and proper food. But how do you make yourself eat when you can only eat a small portion before you are full for the whole day. The abilify that I was put on was supposed to make me eat but instead it makes me drink a lot and sleepy. They said that until my body got used to it which would take a month because I up my dose after 14 days that it would be like this. So at least I get some good sleep ya'll.

Life has not slowed down any really. I am actively trying to find a job while I am getting buried alive by debt. It is increasing hard to make it as gas prices sore to $3.99 a gallon and food prices goes right along with it. Hopefully I will get called back for a factory job soon. I figure I can strictly pay my bills off with the first two checks and then should be back in good financial standings.

All this as it is, I still don't have any goals of what I want to do. So right now I am going to take a second and list the things that I have thought about doing and maybe why I didn't go further with it.

1. Culnary Arts (Can't afford the school.)
2. History Teacher (I actually finished my Appalachian Studies certificate and am very close to having a history minor.)
3. Radiography Tech (Hated anatomy with a passion thus didn't finish the class.)
4. Photographer (Still might do this if I can ever afford a Cannon Rebel.)
5. Pharmacy Tech (Still might do this if I can take the class.)

Yesterday Woes

2011-04-29T16:57:00.001-04:00

I took Grumpy out to eat with her kids yesterday also. Fatty (19 months) through a huge fit due to need of a nap in Applebee's. She was not to be swayed to sit in the seat. Lala (4 yrs) wanted to follow her sisters lead under the table. It was a interesting insight on how life with 3 kids would be. I believe Grumpy handled it pretty well even though we packed the food up and left before we was done.

Yesterday night you could cut the tension with a butter knife. We all know how gossip goes and it never leads to good things. And that was what yesterday was full of. But I refuse to elaborate fully at this point and time.

Mom came and picked us up about 11:30 and we got home about 12:30am. Its good to be home even though I miss Chris I love spending time with Xay.

My head feels like it is going to explode so I am going to try and nap it off.

Dr C

2011-04-27T15:40:00.000-04:00

So it's been almost a month I have been back on the meds and while I sort of feel better I know there is a lot of work to go. I went back to see Dr C today and she told me that she wanted me to journal nightly all the good and bad and my goals, while I do blog it's sometimes hard to make myself be willing to write it all out.

Today has been an okay day. Chris and I started off slightly grouchy because I was not wanting to get outta bed this morning to take him to work. My car brake line broke yesterday while I was driving and I had to use my moms car. One more expense. It feels like it is impossible to come up when the bills seem to just get higher.

After I got home and cleaned up we went to see Dr C and she pretty much said until I made the choice to change things instead of worrying about everyone else and not having the baby that I wasn't going to be happy. And honestly it makes sense. I know that I should pack Xay with me or stay with him rather then going with Chris. Or maybe it's just that I need a happy medium like she said. But finding that is so hard. I just wish things would go back to being normal.

I am supposed to go to Mount Sterling tonight so I can go with my friend to the doc tomorrow. I don't feel bad for not taking Xay there to stay because it's not where he needs to be.

I dunno what else to say my goals I have to think about because I don't know really besides getting xay back the way he should be with me.

Edit:
So I came to Mount Sterling after I picked my refills and my new meds up at the pharmacy. So now I have Prozaca and abilify which I will from here out refer to as my happy pills. Or maybe the new one is my grouchy pill? Bless Chris's heart but his job is some serious bullshit. I know tattooing is his love and I love seeing him in a shop but this one is testin my heart. In the matter of 30 minutes I have made extremely mad and my anxiety level shot up. Now Carrie asked me to think of the good a bad things so I think now I will name some of the bad things that is helpin the depression stay:

1. The situation with Xay.
2. The work situation (trust it goes way worse then it sounds)
3. The living situation
4. Chris's depression
5. The amount of time spent on the road
6. Lack of eating except once and some snacks a day
7. No idea what I wanna do career wise
8. Everybody thinking I'm crazy when I do say what would make me happy.

I am currently hiding above the tattoo shop. It opened today and I am glad chris has an income. I guess I need to work but my heart really ain't in the typical job I wish I could find telework that I could do. Be awesome to work from home.

Easter Birthday Wishes and Thanks

2011-04-23T12:13:00.000-04:00

With Easter being tomorrow I have been thinking a lot about what I am thankful for. The year isn't even half way through and it has been hard but still there are some priceless moments which I am forever thankful for.

I am thankful to have parents who even though they might not understand still are there for me and help me with Xay.

For getting the chance to finally meet my real father and to get the chance to build a relationship with him.

For having a son that is growing big and strong and smarter each day.

For a boyfriend that though we have some bad times we work through them with a lot of help from God.

And last but most certainly not least I am thankful for having a gracious and forgiving God. Because I have made a lot of mistakes but he has been right there when I sought him out.

Easter is tomorrow and it is my moms birthday. This woman has stuck by me since I was 4 days old. This woman who loves her grandson as much as the son she lost. I am thankful for another year of her in my life because even though she drives me insane at times she still loves me. And I love her. Happy birthday Momma!

Happy Pills and Backaches

2011-04-16T11:34:00.000-04:00

I often wonder when I am defending my reason for being on these happy pills if I am making the right choice. And then I remember those really bad days when I didn't take my meds, I remember the way my body felt wore down and I felt like it was me against the world, that I was a horrible mom, and in turn it made me a horrible girlfriend.

Chris doesn't like that fact that I am now 15 days back into the cycle of these meds. He remember the celexa days when I just didn't feel at all. Really different meds effect different people different ways. Just because the prozac I am on works for me doesn't mean it will for you. Celexa was the first pill they put me on and it made me more crazy then what I was normally. I feel more normal now like I actually care about what is happening around me and I have been getting Xay out a lot more and taking him with me. It is a slow healing process because this has been going on for 8 months. I can't just jump in and say I am all better here I am because I am not. I still haven't went back to my therapist....I know I should but I really want to find someone who connects more on my level then what she did. I don't know how that will work but maybe it is something I will check in to later.

So as of right now the score is Me - 1 Depression - 2. It's kicked my butt twice but I am on the road to recovery....hopefully.

On other news my back is all messed up. A few weeks ago I went to my chiro and he took x-rays that showed I had a slight scoliosis and that my hips were uneven (one was slightly higher then the other). I reckon I am out of alignment but he isn't a very hands on type so I need to have a communication with him because my lower back has been constantly hurting and it gets worse if I stand or walk for long periods or if I back Xay. Now I was wondering if perhaps having a 30lb baby on my hip might have something to do with my perdiciment. Just one more thing for me to figure out.

We are officially broke too. The tattoo shop that Chris works for was supposed to be open like 16 days ago and they are still trying to put the finish touches and they say they might now open until Tuesday. It is a very frustrating situation for all parties involved and tension is kind of getting high. We need the money and right now there is none available here and with gas prices at $3.85 a gallon it is hard to do anything. Pray for better times for us and pray God will allow a relocation soon for our family. Because things just can't keep happening the way they are now.

Wordless Wednesday - Big Foot Little Foot

2011-04-13T17:04:00.000-04:00

Identity of My Biracial Son

2011-04-11T11:11:00.002-04:00

Being adopted when I was four days old into a completely white family I never really identified as being black. My mother was one that hated and still hates when I get my hair braided. The type that has many black friends but in her eyes I was white. While growing up in the Appalachian Mountains was an experience that I wouldn’t trade because these mountains are home to me back in the 90’s growing up was a trip. I had kids that came up to me when I was in first grade asking me what a nigger was which led later to me being pulled out of public school to be homeschooled. Even after I got older I still run into the occasional misuse of the word thrown at me or still here the occasional opinion that all black are “monkeys.” But even still the moment I hit my teenage years and realized that I was indeed adopted and half black that became the side that I embraced but even still I receive comments of “you’re the blackest white girl I ever met.”

Now I am 22 and a mom of an almost 18 month old boy and I wonder what his life will be like growing up. I never really thought about the color of his skin much. But that doesn’t stop the fact that race is still an issue in society. When I was pregnant it was in the back of mind that it was completely possible that even though his father was white that he could come out completely black but mostly I had in my mind that he would come out with skin the color of mine, brown. So when he came out light skinned as could be and never really got darker besides what looks like it is going to turn out to be a light tan when in the sun I was a thrown off. The questions of “is that your baby?” or “why is he so white?” that were once something I didn’t think I would ever be asked became a reality soon enough. And let me be real with you all when I say that it has taught me a lot of patience when I would love nothing else to snap at those who ask questions.

My son is his own person and already his personality it developing into his own. Because he is ¼ black doesn’t change the fact that he is a lover not a fighter and a quick learner. I will strive to ensure that he knows his entire heritage but when it comes to how he identifies that is something that when he gets old enough he will have to decide for himself and I will support whichever choice he makes. Race is still an issue in society but I refuse to let it be an issue within my home.

The Art Of Eating Cheerios

2011-04-09T09:39:00.003-04:00

Losing Me

2011-03-30T19:00:00.000-04:00

It is amazing how things come back into perspective. I went to see my doctor today and she was very...displeased with me about the fact that I stopped taking my antidepressants 3 months ago. As I was describing to her what was going on she informed me that I was still depressed. I was like but I don't feel the same as I did when I needed them! But the truth was when I stopped and thought about it while the gloomy cloud isn't there the lack of motivation, the fatigue even when well rested, the lack of appetite, along with so many other signs were there. I thought that my robotness was from the meds, that I could and would be fine without them but the truth is my body isn't okay. I am sure we have all experienced that feeling where you know something is wrong but just can't figure out what seems to be wrong with your body. Well that was my answer and once again I find myself back here.

I have been trying to keep up with my very active and very independent 17 month old. Trying to learn new ways to curve his hitting, pinching, tantrums, and well just trying to be a mom. My son does not sleep with me but rather with my mom and I refuse to be made feel bad about it when I know how much it means to my mom and I also know my son will sleep longer with her. As for the rest of the time....well I must say I have slipped the past three days. I haven't wanted to get out of bed let alone chase after my toddler and for that I feel like a bad mom.

I feel like I need to retreat and just do some old fashion meditating, soul searching, spiritual searching. Does that make sense to anyone out there? I feel like I am alone and I am so tired of people wanting to point fingers between mom and Chris saying they are the cause for this depression that they are the cause for my life taking the turn it is because truthfully I don't think it is anyone's fault.

Even still my son has always been at the forefront of my mind and I am forever conscious of how my decisions are effecting my son. I am very conscious of the bond he has with my mom and at the same time I am very much aware of the bond I have with him. People think that I am putting a man before my child but I am not. Yeah I did take a month away (and not a constant month either) but in that month I learned that a.) I could function properly without my mother and father, that b.) that I could navigate myself to bigger cities and on the interstate. And though those lessons may sound like common sense for most the people out there who know my mom should know that it was a really big deal.

I am not sure if this rambling makes sense to anyone out there but this is real, this is my life and it is sugar-coated. I am a mom. I am a student. I am a daughter. I am a girlfriend. I am friend. And I get so caught up in those roles that I loose the most important thing that I am and that is me.

Wordless Wednesday - Oh for the love of hair!

2011-03-30T18:47:00.001-04:00

Day 6

2011-03-22T12:20:00.000-04:00

The house has been busy the last few days. One person moved out and now Chris is moving so he can work. He will be staying with his boss till I find us a house. It seems weird cuz now it's my mom and dad, xay and PJ has been staying downstairs. But it is very quite and my body feels the difference.

But right now Chris and I are on the way back to Ohio yet again. This time however we are accompanied by Xay and my mom. Makes me a lot happier. But we are going to be meeting my real dad today. I can say I am really nervous because I know people aren't always what they seem and while he seems to be nice and talks to me nice the truth is I don't know him. It helps that I got Chris with me but I would have rather not taken my son and mom into this unknown situation.

I remain positive though and life is getting better.

Day 2 - Them against Me?

2011-03-18T13:09:00.000-04:00

Aries : Friday, Mar 18th, 2011 -- Mercury the Messenger's opposition to Saturn in your 7th House of Others could mean that your friends aren't very supportive of your new plans. You might feel as if you're running into walls every way you turn today because your current approach doesn't seem to be quite good enough. Don't try to fast-talk your way through the resistance you face. Instead, retreat and take time to improve your ideas before trying again.

Now you may be wondering why I am posting my horoscope but I find it odd how today it just kind of fit. And I wish I had of read this last night because maybe I would have been a little prepared for what they day held.

I woke up to a txt of a person who I have been on the fence about mainly because it's one of those people that is nice to your face but not when you are gone. Now normally I would calm and collected but today it was just one more voice into the crowd starting my day of bad I thought I could just wooosah and be okay...yeah right.

You see since I am on day 2 I refused to slack. Xay was in bed with me last night after playing into the morning with his dada. He woke up about 7:30am and played till I decided to try him on breakfast around 9. That was an epic fail but my mom came in and I was gonna let her watch him while I got dressed and stuff but she said "he's your son you got him." Which really wasn't a big deal but in the bigger perspective it was the trigger.

The bullet came later when my mom was going off about how I was taking the one thing that made her happy and how her nerves could not handle it and how she was going to pack her things and leave. Stop...rewind I was just going to let her watch him like an hour and a half before. I couldn't walk away.

Now when mom gets mad or upset my dad is close to follow. So about 30 minutes later he comes in. Now I love my dad to death but my mom leads him down so twisted paths and so he thought I hadn't let her see Xay and I can look back and regrettably say I did get a little rude with him because it wasn't even noon and I had three people coming at me.

For what reason?

Because I stepped up as a mom.

I am really perplexed by the complications. I got pretty much told I needed to find another place to stay and I am not quite sure what it is I am supposed to do because I am doing what everyone asked me to do but it's still wrong.

But then I have the other people that say I am doing right and that I shouldn't listen but with Chris gone with work I am stuck here and day 2 is definitely harder then day 1 and I hope this is not a sign for the future days.

Day 1 : Back To Life

2011-03-14T08:38:00.000-04:00

Life lately has not been of the best quality. I made a lot of bad choices but now I am taking my life back. I have spent about 3 weeks away from my son and in all reality I have been behind the scenes for about 6 months while my mother took control...and I let her. I let idle threats and guilt trips take me away from the one person I love the most. Xadrian.

Chris's daughter was born March 14th. She is a perfect angel. Seeing her was kind of a wake up call. I spent two hours alone in the hospital chapel just praying. My life is a mess, what do I do? I prayed for him to specifically send me someone to be on the same page as me...someone who would help me.

For those of you who don't know Chris and I have had a rough road. We have had our share of issues and been at a cross roads several times and it is in those dark times that I prayed. People ask me why do you stay with him? Isn't the way you are all his fault? The answer is no this isn't all his fault. My choices have been my own and I have dealt with the consequences. I might not go to church on Sunday and I might default but I have so much faith. I know that God will answer my prayers and I know that he doesn't want me to be unhealthy and unhappy. With that stated God has been working through Chris. There has been many times I asked God should I really do this, am I making the right choice, or when we were having a particular bad spot should I stay with him and every time that I truly got down and asked God and had faith I would receive my answer I did because I thought maybe love wasn't enough to stay...but I realize that there might be a purpose I haven't worked out yet.

Chris came to me later that day in the hospital. He came and he talked to me on a level we hadn't been able to speak for awhile and he said "why am I telling you all this?" All I could do was smile because I knew the answer already.

We got home about 9:30pm last night and driving home I prayed to have my son back and I felt so positive because there has been this dark cloud over Chris and I both. But I know everything will work out right. Xay woke up not long after I came home and I went and got him. My mom got mad because I said he was sleepin with me but I didn't back down. She came upstairs with the cover of having a sippy and diapers but she wanted to take him. Made him cry after her but he settled back down with out to much fight and we went to sleep for the first time in months. I felt like a weight just lifted.

Today is the first day of getting my life back and I feel positive that this time as long as I don't loose my faith things will work out with Xay and Chris and maybe even mom. All I know is I can't do it all by myself.

Over the next few months I hope to blog at least once a day. This is not just about my son this about getting my life back and my body healthy because I have reeked hell on it. You will also see some changes and updates hopefully to the site. It's time for me to focus in on what means the most and this blog is more of a therapy to me then anything else.

Working mom blues

2011-02-27T02:17:00.001-05:00

Costume Discounters Review

2011-02-16T14:02:00.001-05:00

I recently had the pleasure of getting a chance to review what will be Xay’s costume for this year. I know it’s a little early for thinking along those lines but I couldn’t pass up a wonder opportunity from Costume Discounters. They had countless costumes for toddler costumes, kids costumes and adult costumes. Now I am the type that doesn’t do a lot of shopping online for clothes so I was a little overwhelmed by really having to choose. But I finally broke down and decided to go with the Lil Frankee Costume and I have to say that it is the best choice I could have made. Whenever the package got here Xay and I sat down and proceeded to rip into it.

The costume it’s self consisted of two pieces. A Shirt with a built in jacket that has a hood and pants that have shoe covers built in. It is made of polyester. I wasn’t as happy about the fact the hood part was a little bit smaller then picture so it didn’t stand up like it should have but it was still a perfect costume very authentic looking and Xay wore it without complaint other then the fact we are going through a clingy stage.

For those of us who isn’t quite as crafty as some when it comes to making costumes at home. They have many different choices for kids costumes. And for those little girls who like to play dress up there is a lot of Disney princess costumes.

A New Life

2011-01-29T13:20:00.000-05:00

So my life has taken a interesting turn for the better and more complicated at the same time. But here it goes.

In the past month I started taking my three college classes which are all going good. It is biology, a biology lab, and geology. I thought they would be a lot harder then what they actually turned out to be. Which is pretty cool...I have two more math classes to take in the summer and fall.

I stopped taking my antidepressants because I felt like I needed them to be nice. I was being absolutely horrible to people I loved and I am just over it. So I stopped and the first week or so was rough but I conquered it.

My sister rights are getting terminated and so she ask me because I was the only one in the family the social workers would consider letting adopt them. So this was when my life got complicated yet not. Because instead of thinking I was going to go into this alone I put my faith in God. I may not go to church everyday and I may not be perfect but I know God still loves me and I know that through him anything is possible. So I started praying and I got answers and that is what is so awesome. But I will cover someday.

So I got a factory job I work 5:30-4 every day except Sunday and sometimes then. It is hard work but this is now my 6th day and I feel so much better then the 1st and I am sure that next week will be better then this week. I am looking for a house in the town where Chris and I work but the main thing is this is all me. I mean my mom will move to the same town and so will Chris but the house that I am getting is mine and these babies.

But I got to get ready for work I just felt the need to say all this to get it off my chest. Life is looking brighter even though the cloudy days aren't quite over and I am thankful to God.

Justify Me

2011-01-13T12:51:00.000-05:00

As of late I feel the need to justify myself more and more. You see over the last 6 months my life took an about face. I can blame this on a lot of different things, depression, freedom, new boyfriends, my mom...or I can just say look my actions and choices were my own and while so of them were effected by outside influences they have still been my own choices and I have dealt with the consequences of them. If you know me at all that last part is the one I have chosen to go with.

Most people look from the outside of the window and see that my mom takes care of my son a lot even though I am in the same house and they don't really get why it is that way. Truthfully there are times that I want him to be with my mom and there are times I want him to be with me but the fact is that while I might want him to be with me I don't get to have him when I want...most of the time. But this is changing. I have realized that my life is my own and my sons life is his father and mine until he gets old enough to make his own choices. But this isn't something you can just snatch him up after 6 months of being around mostly my mom. That would be hurtful to both parties involved and I know this. I love them both and I really do not want to cause either of them to hurt even if it is to my own expense.

School is also a big refocus because I did finish my Appalachian studies certificate and I am so close to being finished with my associates. All it requires is a little bit more dedication on my part. Which is hard. Job wise I have been off more days then I work because of the weather. Making $2.13 an hour plus tips is hard because people really ain't got money to tip. So I am really paying more in gas then I am making. So I decided it is time to relocate. Don't get me wrong this will always be home but I need to go where the jobs are so within a day I had my brother, his girlfriend, chris, and I a job interview with a temp service to try and get on at a factory.

Xay has gotten so big. He nods and shakes his head, has a mouthful of teeth, uses a fork to eat, runs all over the place, says mamah, momma, dada, papaw, kitty, bad, baby, bites, among other things. Speaking of Xay this is the first day in a long time that I have had him over two hours. I am beyond happy. He is sitting in a dog tent I got from Wal-Mart on black friday playing with all his toys. Speaking of toys he has more then he knows what to do with. I need to go shopping for him some bigger sizes when spring gets here I can't wait for yard sales because he is wearing some 18 months but mostly 24 months and some 2T. He has his daddys foot though because he wears a size 5-6 in infant shoes. He is so big.

Another big issue that I feel the need to address is Chris. You see it is kind of funny because Chris came into the picture right when my life was taking a swing. And most people say well it's all his fault. Really I have used him a scapegoat so many times that it is nobody's fault but my own that people think that he is the problem. You see Chris has been around for 6 years. We have dated twice and I know all his good traits and his bad traits and I love him none the less. We have had our fair share of fights and we have had our fair share of good moments. But here is the truth we are both willing to work through it and make it work. He gets along with PJ and heck PJ stays in the same house as us most nights. Chris has two daughters...well 1.5 because his other daughter won't be here until March 14th but none the less he has two daughters and I have a son and we are family even if our babies aren't with us everyday.

Anyways I needed to get all of this off my mind and I now I am going to feed my baby. Sorry I have been missing I am hoping that life will get better.

New Year

2011-01-01T16:11:00.001-05:00

Today is not only a new year but the start of a new decade. There was so much drama and just utter bullshit in 2010 that I have welcomed 2011 with open arms from the comforts of my bed due to this flu like cold that has had me down for the last three days.

Last year I had five goals for 2010 and I completed two. So my resolutions for this year are as follows:

1. Take back control of my life and my sons life.
There has been a lot of hands in both my life and my sons life as of late. It feels like sometimes that I am just a puppet and there are several people trying to have control of the strings. Which invariably led to me talking a backseat to raising my son. Because I let everything else get control of me.

2. Finish my associates since I got my certificate.
I finished my Appalachian studies certificate in Dec 2010....I will actually graduate with it in May but I will got FAFSA for my associates so I should get it in Dec 2011.

3. Cut out over 50% of excess spending.
I really don't think this needs an explanation.

4. Move out of my parents house.
On of my major issues is that there is no seperation between my family and my "family." Do you all understand? I mean I love my mom and dad but there comes a time when the child has to step out and raise their own family on their own. Grandparents should be a nice treat for the grandkids not a everyday every second thing.

5. Focus on helping myself and my son instead of trying to help everyone else who comes along.
This past year I focused a lot on the needs of others rather then on my needs and on my sons needs. This years I want to change that and hopefully that will make for a better year.

Really looking at the list those are hard yet not so hard goals. I mean they are crazy out there goals. They are what I really need. I need to get so order back into my life.

Here is to the New Year. Hopefully it will be the best year yet!

All My Fault

2010-12-27T16:21:00.000-05:00

I haven't been on here as much as I used to. I haven't been doing a lot that I used to lately truthfully. I seem to be walking around in a haze day to day. Either calm or depressed or mad. Life is like at a stand still I am to that point in my life where I want to do so much but there are so many things and so many people holding on to me like I have chains tying me down.

The old meds they had me on was screwing with me so the moved me to the new meds and so far they are better then the old ones but the depression is causing my moods to swing from one extreme to nothing.

I am so tired with how my life is. I pretty much stepped back from my son and am trying to repair the shambles that my life is in. And I feel like I have failed him. He should have always been my first priority and I feel like I was really selfish over the last 5 months. My mom takes care of him....and he holds on to her....and runs to her and each time my heart shatters a little bit more and it is my own fault.

This whole mess is all my fault.

So where do I go from here? I really don't know. I don't have any answers. All I can hope is the upcoming new year brings a better year then this one.

Pointless Rambling

2010-12-04T23:04:00.000-05:00

Christmas is 21 days away. is

Where has the year gone?? I mean it seems like it should only be midyear but here it is December 4th, snowing and almost Christmas.

I am still fighting my battles some days are better then the others. I have a lot of suppressive people around me at the moment...well more like one person but hopefully that will be corrected soon. I am actively trying to find a place to live. I realize that until I take hold of my life and my sons life that I will not be happy. How could anyone?

I haven't had a lot of words to say....I mean being truthful for a moment there is absolutely no words to sum up every emotion that I have been feeling. I feel like I might explode at times. But at the same time I am learning something. I don't judge people as quickly and I because I listen to what's going on so I hear more then one side of everything which is pretty interesting at times.

But I am pointlessly rambling....

Xay is so big...I mean he things he is Boss Hog walking around like he owns the place. And his vocabulary is insane. He calls my mom "mamuh" and me "mama" then you have "papah" and "dada" he says cat, bite, bad, nuh uh. His daddy has been around him a lot more and you can see how much that little boy loves his daddy. I am glad that they get to be together.

But my brother and his girlfriend are watching a Madea play so I think I am going to watch it.

Night folks,

It's been awhile

2010-11-24T13:57:00.001-05:00

It has been 20 days since my last post. 20 days and so much has happened that I am still left someone in the dust trying to catch up. The holiday season is upon us and I am still wondering where the last year has gone.

Things got pretty bad for two weeks after my last post. Things just hit rock bottom with Chris and he and I were fighting pretty bad. My oldest brother Shane came to live with us to get off the drugs. So it has really been one thing after another .

It is funny because even though those two weeks were pretty bad it is starting to get better. I started working at a restaurant 30 miles from here. It's waitressing and I only make $2.13 an hour plus tips but it is a job. It takes care of my bills if I use my money responsibly and it makes me happy. You see what had happened was I was always running for everyone else or I was stuck at home. It was a never ending cycle and it was bogging me down. Mom is trying so hard to get me to quit already after 5 days to find a job around here (which I had been trying to do). But here is the think I might be happy for a little while but I hate the boringness of a desk job. I hate sitting there for hours doing the same thing with nothing different. I will admit waitressing is pretty much routine but the people you meet aren't and that is honestly what I need. I am not a huge people person but it is honestly what I need at the moment.

I have been searching for a house or apartment to rent. There isn't to much around here truthfully. When tax season rolls around though I was hoping to get back enough to be able to buy a trailer and get it set up. That way I only have to worry about utilities and lot rent. I don't know though I am sure you can tell that I am full of big dreams it is just a matter of making them come true. But I dunno.

Rest in Peace

2010-11-04T10:03:00.000-04:00

So much has happened this week that I am still trying to grasp the concept of what all went on. What had the makings of a good week turned into one of sorrow.

Monday we woke up and had only been up a short time when Chris got a phone call telling him his 20-year old cousin Lester had died. We were out the door in seconds and over there in minutes. The family was already gathering shell shocked because Lesters' mom had passed away two months prior. I walked in with one of Chris' aunts. Seeing him laying there I do believe will be something I will remember for awhile.

That was like Chris' brother. They had grown up close and this family believes family is the most important thing. Chris almost took a seizure while we was there and an ambulance ended up getting called. Everything checked out though and he refused to go to the hospital. For the rest of the day we road around with some friends so he wouldn't be idle.

Tuesday past in the haze of Monday.

Wednesday I got my hair cut short. I will post some pictures later hopefully. Then Lester's visitation. My heart breaks for Liz to be a widow at such a young age and to loose the man she loved. I couldn't imagine. When you saw those to you knew it was that real love that only happens once in a lifetime. She is such a sweet girl and it seems so unfair that she would have to suffer like this.

Today as we speak I am waiting to see Dr. K. I don't think she is ready for me today. So much has happened in the 3 weeks since I seen her some for the good and some for the bad. But I am pushing on.

Lester's funeral is at 1pm. That will be absolution for Chris and Liz and I wish I could heal their hurt because anyone hates to see loved ones in pain. But it's not possible. Please keep this family in your prayers.

Rest in Peace
Lester Noble

Wordless Wednesday - Best friends since her birth (9 days difference in age)

2010-10-27T23:48:00.000-04:00

Not so easily conquered

2010-10-27T23:34:00.000-04:00

Today was ~~awkward~~ okay. I had thought that it would be just that easy to get over PPD. Obviously I was fulling myself before so I am not sure why I let myself fall for that same belief again. It has been almost two week since I started taking the antidepressant and on occasion the anxiety pill. (Please understand that my medicine might not effect you the same way it effects me.)But they are my sleepy pills and Lord forbid I take them both together because I will be moody until I go to sleep. People tried waking me up and would get all kinds of answers with me still sleeping because I look at them like they are crazy when I hear the stories in the morning. But they seemed to work after these two weeks I have been getting better sleep and my appetite is coming back slowly (I weigh right now 132.6lbs). I hadn't had a melt down like I had been known to having of just utter depression...until tonight.

I am scared of my moms driving...it truthfully makes me think that I will end up dying because of her driving at times. But it is her car and quite frankly I hate to drive. I slept a bit, we ate and generally got along. Then we went to pick my great-niece up. Now you all know the kids in the family are the most important things to me. But today I dunno I sprained my ankle yesterday and then Xay was sick and fussy today and I had been in the car three hours and mom wouldn't take L to the bathroom and felt my patience snap taut.

Insert melt down one in which I told mom that it was not my responsibility to take L and give my baby to her to keep...of course all the while doing exactly that.

I found it that I was the one watching both kids while my mom talked "pageant" and I just found myself settling in for a crabby mood. The mood mellowed out though when we went to see my niece and my other two great nieces.

So then on the drive back Xay and I slept a little and then he woke up fussing...and fussing...and that crabby mood came back. So I didn't take an attitude but then we went and picked Chris up he said something so simple but I felt that last string of my patience snap and my attitude start coming through which led to him saying that he would go to his cousins house if I was going to treat him like that. So I went to my room....and some more minor drama happened.

Insert melt down two in which I hid in the corner of my closet (secure really) and cried.

Then PJ started txting because he was visiting Xay and he said the simple words "It's weird seeing your mom bathing him. I was use to u doing it." Those simple words were like a slap across the face and thus I cried more.

All I could hear in my head was that I was a bad mom, a bad daughter, and a bad girlfriend.

Hello PPD,

I realize I was wrong to think you were that easy of a pushover...but I will conquer you.

Sincerly,

Wordless Wednesday - Birthday with Mawmaw

2010-10-20T14:21:00.000-04:00

Birthday Boy

2010-10-20T14:19:00.001-04:00

Today you are one year old.

In one year you have grown leaps and bounds.

From being a little bundle first laid into my arms,

To a big boy standing and walking on your

own.

You explore everything within your reach.

You always make mommy laugh with the many

expressions that you wear daily.

Your one year old today and while it makes

mommy sad that you aren't a little baby

anymore I am still so proud of you.

One Year

2010-10-20T14:13:00.000-04:00

Dearest Xadrian,

My precious son I love you so much.

I know that mommy hasn't been around as much as she used to the last couple of months but I am making it better one step at a time.

You are a big boy today. One year old.

It seems hard to believe this time last year I was laying on the bed in labor waiting to meet you.

I have a big letter written for you but I just wanted to take a second to say Happy Birthday little one.

I can't say I planned you but I most definitely do not regret you.

Someday soon things will be normal and okay but until then please remember mommy is always with you.

I love you.

Feeling Okay

2010-10-12T23:53:00.000-04:00

Things have happened over the last couple of days that shouldn't have. Mistakes were made and stuff was dealt with. Tonight starts a new journey. You see I have come to realize just how important networking really is. I a very close to being a hermit but speaking today with two ladies who had connections really opened my eyes. Telling me that I do have a chance for something then just dealing with my mom. Telling me that things were going to be alright even though this was a down period. And for once for once I believe them. I feel okay tonight for once amidst all of the bullshit I feel okay.

Horrible Mom

2010-10-07T01:20:00.000-04:00

I feel like a horrible mom.

I was doing good tonight, felt okay even though there was some minor upsets today. I got Xay and was rocking him and we were doing great until I laid him down. I even tried bringing him to bed with me. No matter what I tried he would wake up in mere minutes after I stopped rocking. After the fourth time of this process I decided to go downstairs and get a sippy for him. Of course you have to walk right past my moms door and unfortunately for me her door was open so she asks after Xay and he stopped crying and practically leaps outta my arms to her.

I felt like my heart was shattered.

This is my fault.

My fault for not being okay, for not being around like I should, for not being the mom I was, for being inadequate...

I feel like I have been selfish and that I shouldn't be worried about myself.

I feel like I have lost my son and now I gotta work to get him back from my moms control.

Hello ppd this is gonna be a long night.

Difference in The Two

2010-10-06T09:11:00.000-04:00

So at this very moment I am sitting on a bench in a room that has the air-conditioner even though it is 50 something degrees outside. Sounds crazy? Yeah I think so too but we will go over all that later.

So I went to see a therapist on Monday. Epic fail. This woman knew me when I was 16 and in trouble so the only thing she really said to me was that I was a passive suicidal person, that my mom was a good chunk of the blame, that I was depressed and that she would see me in a month and get me an antidepressant evaluation in 3 weeks. I felt just as horrible when I left as I did when I went in.

I called my midwife and her receptionist told me I could come in Tuesday as a walk in so that is what I did. She sent me to this wonderful woman who was like a blessing. I poured my heart to her, cried some and in the end she confirmed that this is postpartum depression. Those words a bittersweet typing them. PPD? Me? I guess that means I am officially crazy. I feel like it. Dr. K (we shall refer to her as) said that she wanted to see me in three weeks and she got me in as soon as possible to see my midwife about mess.

The difference between the two therapist was so distinct. But I am glad I got a second opinion. I feel scared of what the mess will do but at the same time I hope they give the normal me back.

Admitting There Is A Problem

2010-10-02T10:07:00.000-04:00

I have a problem. Sitting here it is hard to admit that over the last 6 months I have been sliding down this slope and over the last 3 months that slop turned into a cliff and I am free falling. I should have asked for help a long time before now but I was scared to admit I had a problem, scared what people would say, didn't want the looks of pity that are in my parents eyes.

As of right now I have almost all the symptoms of postpartum depression. Wow just sitting here typing this I feel like crying because I feel like I have let everyone especially Xay down. I mean that precious sweet baby that I love more then my own life....and I just can't be around him. At first I was kind of resentful because I was still breastfeeding....then when I stopped like that bond with him was snapped. Just like fate cut the cord and said "no more." Over the past few months I have started leaving him more and more with my mom and dad. I see what I am doing but it's like I have no control over it. The best thing for Xay is to be with them right now because I don't think I am that great mom anymore. All I can say is "WTF am I doing? I am such a horrible mom."

People see me and sometimes I am with Xay and we look okay. Please understand that I love my son and would die for him without a second thought. I have never hurt him and would never ever hurt him. That said I am not suicidal either but sometimes I wish I just didn't exist. Sometimes I feel like that would be the best thing for everyone involved. Other times I have these thoughts about something bad happening like a car crash and those thoughts coupled with the fact of how Xay rarely is around me is what pushed me over the edge.

Sure there are the other symtoms such as no eating right, and while I would love to loose the weight even though I am not eating hardly I still maintain a 136lbs weight. That drives me crazy too. I know I am not fat I never have been but I look in the mirror and all I see is this stomach, and this ugly hair, and I feel ugly. I don't feel like that beauty queen I once was and I am very skeptical about ever being that again.

I don't sleep period or I am extremely tired. It goes back and forth some nights I can't go to sleep to 3-4am. Other days I am so tired and will sleep till 12-1pm. It just goes back and forth and I think it is tied in with the whole not eating.

I am either extremely unhappy, or irritated. I snap super easy or I don't talk to people period.

I didn't know what to do before. I was to scared to admit that I had a problem because I thought everyone that knew me would judge me. And they did...they give me these looks of pity or they don't understand why I just don't get over it. I have tired.

Monday I go to see a therapist and then Tuesday or Wednesday I am going to try and get a hold of my midwife. I don't want to be on drugs....but at this point I am willing to do whatever it takes to get better. For Xay and for myself.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-09-22T00:00:00.002-04:00

Old Soul

2010-09-19T22:41:00.000-04:00

This is my 601 post. Seems kind of weird that I have blogged that much I could make this into a book right? Just kidding. There is been so much going on yet absolutely nothing going on. Does that make sense? I still have that dark cloud hanging over me but for the most part I am ok...some days are just worst then others.

I went to moms hometown to put Xay in the pageant and my great nieces L and A competed later in the day. L made top 8 out of 19 and A got Princess (first runner up) which was good for her first pageant. Xay got Prince (first runner up) and photogenic. The little boy that beat him had a great personality. Which got me to thinking. My son at 11 months old (as of tomorrow) has such a serious personality, I mean he will smile and laugh but most of the time he is serious and curious and sometimes mean (and believe me when you see his mean face you know he is up to no good). He is right on good spot developmentally, it is just his personality. A guy looked at him and said to me "He has such an old soul." That got me to thinking what is a old soul? Most people I asked to me it was when a child acts older then what they are, that they are back reincarnate. That is all a little far fetched to me, but there are times Xay looks at me with these intense looks and I swear I am looking at someone older the 11 months.

I have been looking for a job. There isn't much to choice from here but that is they way it is with most small towns. I am officially broke..not really I have enough money to last through one more wave of bills and then I will be and I am not sure what I am supposed to do at this point. Per usual I am not sure what I am supposed to do about any of this serious stuff really. I am just trying to keep focused but it is like everything is going out of focus and my glasses just ain't working. Understand? I hate this feeling of having no control over my life. I hate living day to day with no plan. I guess I can't say no plan I mean school wise I got a plan, job wise I got a plan, life wise I have a goal. But all that is future stuff and I need to have a plan for the right now.

PJ hasn't been to see Xay since last Sunday. We go to court the first of October over child support. He told me that he would just give up to his rights to Xay so he wouldn't have to pay child support (they passed a law this year that you still have to pay child support even if you give up rights). I have to say that I am more hurt by that statement. I mean he says how he misses Xay and loves him but he would give up rights? How? Why? I mean just wtf?! I don't understand it and quite frankly I am not sure that I want to. I feel sad for Xay but I know things are going to be okay but still it breaks my heart when Xay says 'dada' and I know that his 'dada' is not going to come around.

I just don't know anymore.

Reflection

2010-09-14T21:06:00.002-04:00

Reflection is what I seem to keep doing more of. I have come into this funk where literally I don't want to be around anyone not even my son an it scares me. At the worst I just wish I didn't even exist. Everything has been so complicated over the last 6 months and I've been pushing through sometimes just because of Xay. And now it just feels like I don't care like I'm all cared out. I barely eat anything and when I do try to eat I can't finish without feeling sick. I am just all around unhappy. Truthfully it is no ones fault like sometimes hanging out with Chris at L&L's is a bright moment but there is still this dark cloud hovering close behind. It scares me because it was always there I guess since Xay was about 5 months but not really bad and then over the last few months it got worse. I am just not sure of anything anymore.

Chris is so uncomplicated yet completely complicated. We aren't a couple as we have been accused of. Honestly I am not sure what we are. We are friends most importantly though. I know not matter what we go through or whatever happens with us we will always be friends in the end and that's comforting. I just wish I knew what was going on sometimes I feel like I am falling back into the same routine but yet it is different. Chris and I have always been different, outside the mould. I accept that he is how he is and there isn't a damn thing anyone except himself can do about it and he keeps me grounded being one of the few people that tell me no. He is amazing with Xay always playing with him and stuff. But time has jaded things and I always keep my guard up.

Xay is growing so fast. He is taking stumbling steps from one object to another not quite walking alone but getting there quickly. He has 8 teeth and does this mean sneaky face. And he is mean. He head butts, slaps, and not so often as before bites. It seems like all I say is no no no Xay. He is so curious about everything and he examines his food before he eats it now. Like what is this? He isn't the tiny baby I brought home nearly a year ago. Sometimes I find it hard to connect those two together.

I am not sure what the future holds for me or my son but I am trying to take it one step at a time.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-09-08T15:57:00.000-04:00

Lessons learned

2010-09-07T18:38:00.000-04:00

Things seems to be so crazy as of late. PJ and Rob both moved out of the house which is a good thing and Chris stays around the house a lot. I took PJ for child support because he made me so angry and told him when he decided to come around his son more and helped pay for diapers that I would drop child support.

Honey Festival happened this past weekend. Xay got to see his first parade his eyes got so big it was priceless. I worked some for one of the booths to make some money to spend. It turned out to be a really nice weekend. Chris had his daughter a good chunk of Saturday and Sunday and we spent the afternoon doing what she wanted to do. He is really good with her it is precious.

Speaking of good with it kind of makes me sad that he is so good with Xay because I see how he takes care of him and totes him around and calls him his little buddy. Things that PJ should be doing all along. I know that it has taken Chris awhile to straighten his life out but his daughter has always been the most important thing to him.

As for me well I am starting to give in to all the stress. I have bouts of being utterly depressed....actually there is always an edge around me but for the most part I keep it off. There has just been so many changes so fast and I am having trouble keeping my footing. I am still focused on school and Xay but now I also have to find another job.

Then of course there comes the fact that my mom wants to move three hours away from here. I have to decide what is best for me because Chris is not going to move that far away from his daughter and I would never ask for him too either. So if I am going to stay I need to look for an apartment or house and if I am going to go then I should not let myself get attached to Chris.

But the thing is folks is that I have held on to this man for 6 years. Through tons of bull crap, through him hitting rock bottom, till now. The Chris that stands before me today is only a hint of what he used to be. He has grown into a man and I am quite proud of him.

PJ is going through that growing stage the problem was that I wasn't willing to go through all the stuff. I had been through it to many times and I didn't believe that I deserved or that my son deserved to go through it.

So here I am. At the moment I am a single college mom. It isn't easy and I most certainly did not see my life like this but I am here and I have no regrets just lessons learned.

Not quite so Wordless Wednesday

2010-09-01T00:00:00.001-04:00

This past Saturday PJ and I decided to do an outing with Xay. So we went to natural bridge and walked close to 2 miles. We went up through Fat Man's Squeeze, to the Natural Bridge, the through Devil's Gulch. I was back carrying Xay in the mei tie and had to pass him off to PJ going uphill because I was huffing and puffing all the way up. But from Natural Bridge on I packed him. It was a beautiful day overall and while PJ had a few minor words we managed to get along the majority of the day. So enough talking here is the pictures from our trip.


Fat Man Squeeze


Overlook at the top of the mountain


PJ packing Xay up hill


Natural Bridge is in the background


On top of the bridge

My favorite pic from the day.

Dear Heart, please make up your mind soon

2010-08-29T09:41:00.000-04:00

Over the course of the last week my life has both changed dramatically and stayed the same. Does that make sense? PJ and I split for real several days ago. I am kind of in that mind set that I have wasted two years of my life with nothing to show for it but my son. I have been given tons of apologies and empty promises but words don't mean a thing at this point. It's simply to late.

Chris waltzed back into my life. For those of you who don't know he is my "first love." We have had lots of water under the bridge but I have always had his back if he needed me and that will be the way it always is. But he has been at my house a lot since his Aunt died. Chris and I dated twice once in 2004 and then once in 2007. He was in a low point of his life and made lots of mistakes and he payed heavy for them. But it is 2010 and the year is closing up rather quickly and I can see such a change in him. He has phased into manhood rather then the childishness he assumed was manhood back in the day. He has spent more time with Xay and done more for Xay in one day then PJ does in a week. That worries me...maybe not worry; I am not sure what it is I feel over it.

I want so bad for PJ to step up to his responsibility and he just isn't. I thought okay maybe this is just something that takes time but Xay is less then 2 months shy of being a year old and it's still the same thing. I will grant you that it has gotten to the place now where my family and I just take care of stuff instead of waiting to see if he would. But I know that I have sat many times and gave him the chance to see if he would see to Xay and he failed miserably.

Chris went with my mom, Sway, Xay, and I to a fair pageant that was outdoors. My mom had to judge Miss and I had to judge Teen. So Chris watched Xay the whole time, he went and put Xay's jacket and socks on him without being told, put him to sleep with no problems, and just generally took care of him. It makes me sad to know that if it had of been PJ that those things probably wouldn't have happened like that.

So what am I doing? I told both PJ and Chris that I didn't want no b/s and no drama. I ~~was not~~ am not going to date anyone until after I finish my class in December and then I might not even date anyone till the new year. I am just tired of the stuff that has been happening. I am tired of constantly being accused of cheating when truthfully I didn't; I am tired of being accused period. I just want a nice mature relationship and when I am sure that is what I will have with whoever then that is when I will decide to date. I just want what is best for Xay and I will remove any negative people from the equation if that needs to happen.

People I am sure are talking, "she left PJ for Chris." Nope that is really not the case. Don't get me wrong I will always love Chris and I do love PJ but I don't love them in the same way. PJ has a lot of growing up to do and Chris well I just have to be sure what he is really all about. I know right now that I do not in any shape or form want to be back with PJ and this point. What I need from him is what 6 years has made Chris. He is my friend first and foremost, the type I can sit for hours and talk about what is on my mind, what I want, what I need, what is on his mind, whatever. I cannot talk to PJ and maybe that is the one things that bothers me the most (second of course to how he treats Xay). If I start to talk to him he either a.) ignores me, b.) gets mad and doesn't understand what I am saying, c.) turns the music up, or d.) changes the subject. I feel like screaming sometimes because how were we ever supposed to work like that? This isn't middle/high school. We are adults and it is time that people started acting like one.

So again where does that leave me? At the moment I have two guys in my house. Chris and PJ are so different from each other. So what am I gonna do? I have no idea that only thing I am sure of was that I asked Chris to go to Church something that is so important to me and I didn't have to beg or threaten. If I had of asked PJ and he knows full well there is a standing offer then he would have said no.

All I can do is contemplate what the future is going to bring, focus on school, and then worry about these two guys.

Wordless Wednesday - Aug 7, 2010 Corn Festival Pageant

2010-08-25T21:02:00.000-04:00


He got 2nd

My Baby Einstein App Review & Giveaway.

2010-08-21T22:35:00.001-04:00

I am always looking for ways to keep Xay happy and not chewing on my iphone 3G. When he awake he is constantly active, so in the car he gets bored of his toys rather quickly. So out comes my phone and he loves it...to chew on it. So I recently had the chance to try the My Baby Einstein ($3.99) app on my iPhone and he at 10 months loves it.

The videos are what he loves. He adores music and of course bright colorful objects and the videos offer that all to him in one go. He just stares at the screen until it goes off, then looks at me like where did it go?

The rest of the loaded apps didn't hold his attention that much yet but I am looking forward to using this for a while to come.

The app comes with 2 sets (3 videos per set) of videos, color discovery cards, memory book, and music.There is of course the option to buy more at 99¢. All together if you bought all the extras the whole app would cost somewhere around $14.88.

Overall Xay enjoys the app and that in the end is who really tests these type of products. I have seen other apps that haven't been as good put together that Xay would look at and then go back to chewing on my phone.

So finally down to the giveaway. For one reader they will have the chance to get a $5 iTunes gift certificate so you can get this app for your child! That will buy you the app itself and also one of the add on packs. This giveaway will run till September 3, 2010! Here is how you can enter:

MANDATORY

•Leave me a comment telling why you want this app.

FOR EXTRA ENTRIES (please leave separate comments for each)

• TWEET “I just entered the @jonneatha89 $5 itunes gift card giveaway!" (1 entry per day)

• Be/Become a A Twinkle In Time follower.

• BLOG about this giveaway.

• ADD my button to your blog.

Please make sure you have listed a valid email so I can contact you if you win!!

What a start to the weekend.

2010-08-20T22:46:00.000-04:00

The past few days have been ~~interesting~~ long. Yesterday we got to take Xay to the state fair for the first time. He was amazed at all the bright lights, people, animals, and stuff in general.

He got to touch sheep, cows, goats, chickens, and rabbits.

It was a really good experience but it was a lot of walking. I think I burned well over my calories for this week.

While we were up there is also got to see the Cat and the Hat. Now he thought this giant feline was pretty cool until it came time to go to it for a picture. He is in this stage where he is clingy and doesn't want to go to anyone besides the people he knows real good. But we still managed to get a picture...even though I had to be in the shot.

Kind of scary looking cat really.

After the State Fair we went to the mall and shopped for a while...I was not pleased with the walking. But I got some new clothes which made it worth while. We finally got home around 10:30pm.

Xay got to swing in a real swing on Friday. He just wasn't sure about it though so he got to swing with me which he laughed about. I guess we were a sight, but I didn't care.

Then today....today has been the most trying day so far. PJ came home around 5ish this morning, and then Xay decided to wake up 6ish which is horrible. I am not early morning person. I can go when it's 8 but anything before that I am invalid. So that kicked off the day, then after that PJ of course was killed so he didn't get up to do the stores with me so I had to do 4 stores (one of which I wasn't supposed to do today) this morning. I started thinking about a phone call PJ received yesterday about our job and I decided that I had better make sure that PJ's uncle (boss) wasn't mad at me. So I called and found out PJ had been fired for not showing up to work. I could deal with that but it was the fact that he lied to my face about it the day before saying that he did go to work that rubbed me the wrong way. So that started me to thinking about everything that had been happening over the past months and I was fed up. So I broke up with him (again). This time however it is the real deal. I have come to realize that I deserve better then what I have with PJ. I realize that my son deserves better. So this is a new beginning I guess you could say. Mom is letting me use her car (she says its mine but until I pay for it she will still try to control it) which is great for me.

Tonight I went to do the main store. Xay came with me because his daddy wouldn't watch him at the house. S

So I am ready for tomorrow. This is me sending out positive vibes that tomorrow will be a great day. I am supposed to go to Hazard with my mom, and I have to do one store tomorrow.

I Feel Better

2010-08-14T18:04:00.000-04:00

So this has been....an interesting week. I had no clue that by the end of the week I would be once again considered "dating" PJ. I am still severely annoyed with some of the things he does but I came to the realization that everything that I am considered use to; all the things that I considered in my "happy box," is about to dramatically change. If this is for the better or worse is yet to be seen.

PJ made the decision to go into the Marine's. Under normal circumstances I would be dead set against this but I have come to the decision that this is the best thing probably that could happen to PJ. You all know my major issues is that he is immature, has no discipline, and is irresponsible. All three things which has to change if he is to be a Marine. When he gets out of boot camp he won't be the PJ I know he will be changed. For the better or worse is the big question on my mind.

I am still busting butt at these two jobs. I am away from Xay 6-7 hours a day and I miss him. He is growing and learning new things. He has what looks to be bug bites on his legs. They are huge red spots and they are hard. We have been putting anti-itch on them, but I am not sure if they are bug bites or not. On top of that he has been sneezing and coughing, and teething. But he seems perfectly happy. He has also started fussing in his sleep. He will be sound asleep yet its like he is whiny/crying and then he back to sleep. Sometimes he wakes up and I bring him to bed with me, but for the most part he is sleeping alone in his pack and play.

Mom has decided to play nice since the idea of me going with PJ is looking likely. I have been begging for a car since I was 16, decided that obviously I wouldn't get help from my parents so I have trying to build my credit and save so I could get a car, all the while severely pissed and hurt that my mother would buy two of my ex's cars but not me. So now I am trying to once again give me a car since between my parents there are four cars. Her response has been "well they are both in your name so I couldn't do anything if you took off with one." We both know she would have my ass if I tried to do any such a thing, plus she raised me better then to be like that. So who knows.

I got a new iPhone 8G 3Gs today. I would love to have a iPhone 4 however I cannot justify the cost and the only reason I bought this one is because I sold my iPhone 3G for $50. So I didn't do to bad. I wish that Apple would have a keypad for the iPhone because I don't like to do touch-screen all the time but overall I like the phones. It's like my computer on the go..(no this isn't a paid statement). I am kind of excited to see what kind of better thing changed between the other two.

I started taking vitamins again. I am taking folic acid, vitamin b12, and caltrate. I feel I have a little more energy. I am still at 138lbs but I am not exercising because I am constantly doing something else (such as blog or read the blogs I follow). But I am eating less over 4 small meals. So I am doing good. I feel kind of better.

Not Me Monday!

2010-08-09T22:52:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week. As for me..here goes:
It was not me who fed my 9 and a half month old son my re-fried beans at the Mexican place so I would not have to eat them. It was not me did not feel any guilt as I ate a pulled pork sandwich at my job temporarily forgetting about my so called diet. It was not me who ignored every word my mother said today. It was not me who rearranged my moms kitchen drawers after almost cutting my finger on a knife and then decided not to tell her to see how long it took for her to notice (8 hours). It was not me who say in the pack and play with my son so he would stop crying. And of course it was not me who proceeded to put my son to sleep in three minutes because I knew he was sleepy even though my mother swore he was hungry and would not go to sleep until he ate. It most certainly was not me who was smugly told my mother that he was sound asleep when she brought the baby food upstairs.

Feel the need to clean

2010-08-05T23:04:00.000-04:00

This post is slightly scattered and is basically typing down my trains of thoughts. Please pardon the mess.

Okay so let me be honest...last week and this week has been horrible. The diet got put on hold while I was sick and then because I stopped breastfeeding. So here is hoping next week will be better right?

I am back at 140lbs (apparently I any given day I will be +/- 2lbs.

I feel as if I am in a rut and I have the urge to cleanse my life. Does that make since? Like I have a lot of stuff that I have held onto physically and emotionally and I think that I am ready to finally let go. I am not referring to any one thing...just a lot of things. I am ready to move forward with my life rather then being stuck in whatever this limbo is. Everyone has good intentions for me but you know what they say "the road to hell is paved with good intentions."

I have been thinking a lot about what it is that I want to do (yet again). Most people by now have stopped asking me what I am majoring in because it changes so much. But I have issues with putting so much time into something that when I look forward I cannot even think of being happy doing for any length of time. It's like I am missing something. I think there is a disconnect between what I want and what God wants and until I figure out what he wants I am never going to be satisfied with whatever major I think of.

Officially I lost my finacial aid again. Which was already expected. I already paid for the one class and the books that I will be taking this fall (Appalachian Lit) and that will give me my Appalachian studies certificate. I am happy with that. I am taking at least two semesters off to rethink things through and do some soul searching.

I am still working through the WIA but I also have a job a couple hours a day for a few days a week for this little BBQ joint in town. I didn't even ask about it they just approached me about working for them and I was happy because that means I can save more the money I make from the WIA and use the cash that the BBQ place pays me to spend.

My mom got a new car today. Well not new it's a 2005 Dodge Neon. It was a really good buy and she is selling her Cavalier. It annoys me that the car is in my name...that there is now 3 cars in my name and none of them are mine. But I plan on getting a car hopefully when tax season rolls back around.

Remember how I said there is 3 people (PJ, PJ's brother, and S) living with us? Yeah well apparently one of the 3 stole $15 off of my mom. In all honesty we can't point fingers because it could be any of them but it really pisses me off that my parents go out of their way to help them....they live here and have whatever they need and for any of them to steal just blows my mind. I cannot stand a thief. I have had way to much stolen so I have a zero tolerance for it. Which means someone is going to be in big trouble when the truth comes out.

Tomorrow if PJ and I were still dating we would have been together for two years. I am still trying to wrap my mind around that. Two years. Wow. This has been a roller-coaster ride and I think that the final stop is getting closer. You see while PJ and I have been broke up since April a lot and yet nothing has changed. A lot for me has changed....yet nothing with him has. I have been asked why he is still here, why I put up with it, what my reasons are. To tell you the truth I can't answer any of those questions. PJ is a sweet guy but is still a kid. I have said this from the beginning but I never realized how big of an issue it would become. We had our ups and downs and I had planned on breaking up with him before I got pregnant. But the whole pregnant thing happened and I decided to wait it out and see if he stepped up and was a real dad and took on responsibility. Chance after chance was handed out but changes were never lasting. So I finally broke up with him. He has stayed and again more chances were handed out and then his attitude took a major turn for worst and I started letting go. I am numb to the situation and am honestly over with all the drama yet here we are. He said he was thinking bout joining the marines and under normal circumstances I would be dead set against it but I think that this is what he needs. He needs someone to put structure in his life, to demand him to do stuff and do it right then rather then waiting. He needs to be taught what being a man means. He said oh you will move on in however long he is gone and the truth is I have in a sense moved on already. I am still quite sure that I do not want to date anyone. I just need to focus on Xay and myself. But as for PJ and I....well I no longer get turned on by him and actually I could see myself never having sex period with him. I think that it all started when he started baggering me "can we have sex?" "can we do it?" that is a major turn off and the more he asked the less likely I was to give in and it went for so long and he still asks and I am just like hell no at this point. I had thought that maybe it was the breastfeeding killing that or maybe the fact that I had a baby natural but no the truth is I just simply do not want to. And then there is the feelings for PJ at first there was a attraction which turned into like which formed a love for him. However it's like after all this I look at him and see someone who isn't stepping up as a role model and father for either of his kids (I know he loves them but that isn't the only thing that makes a dad), I see someone who doesn't have empathy towards others and thinks about himself first, I see someone who has no respect for people, I see a kid and being where I am at now that is the farthest thing from what I need. I could be with who PJ could be but I cannot change him (obviously) and I simply cannot be with the PJ that I deal with on a day to day basis. I can hope that if he does go to the Marine's he would change and we could try again but I don't think it will happen.

Where do I go from here?

I wish I knew

Shh it's a secret!

2010-08-04T19:49:00.001-04:00

I orginally posted this in Sept of 2002 on my Livejournal. It was one of the only two posts that were public and I was actually surprised at how well it went over. So I am reposting this now 8 years later to see how well it goes over with you all.

Here is the instructions:

Comment on this post anything that you want, and post it anonymously. Anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love - anything. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post as many times as you like.

Here are the original comments (unedited):

I'm gay and noone knows, and I have a boyfriend that wants me to come out, but I'm not ready for that yet!

i barely know you but i feel like ive failed you.

I'm worried I'm going to fail some of my classes this semester.

jonneatha honey, i will always love you no matter what. no matter we go through or what paths we choose in our lifes, i will always and for ever love you. when you turn 18 and if we are both single at the time; then i am going to marry you. i'll move you far far away from were you are at. i will treat you like gold and make sweet love to you every night. i will try my best to fullfil all of your dreams for you. i love you so much that you just do'nt even know.

i am becomeing someone that others say is wrong. there are more out there so i am not alone. i need to find people like myself. woo hoo i can kinda type without looking!!! *dances*

I am bulimic. Outwardly I let on like I'm so perfect. I'm a cheerleader and I have a varsity footballer boyfriend. But..underneith all I can think about is being fat..and a failure.

i'm a boi, and I'm anorexic. i once drove a bulimic girl to the brink but not on purpose. i hinted that i knew what she was doing, and she started doing it constantly. so i dumped her to save her. she's put on weight.

a confession: I make out with or fuck nearly any girl I want to. Girls follow me home from parties. Even when I don't want them to. Even when I'm verbally abusive to them and try and scare them off. They still flock to me. I have the social skills to pick up ANY girl who isn't all about money and cars, and yet I live a miserable existence. Every girl I truly care about I push away from me. Every girl I love I force myself to hate. Every morning I wake up alone and feel like crying. I hurt everyone I care for, and so I live alone. That's my confession.

People never get to know me, they let others control what they think of me.

I'm scared I won't be what everyone wants me to be.

We're best friends, who sort of drifted into almost being a couple. we do absolutely everything couples in love do, except make out and have sex. Everyone tells me they know he's in love with me. "they've seen the way he looks at me". The way he touches me. the way he softly and tenderly kisses me. I've seen it too. and i know its true. But he denies it. But i know hes lying. And i deny it. Im lying through my teeth. we're in love with each other. Meant to be. and we're wasting time denying it. And i hate it. and i dont know what to do.

im not the sweet girl people know me as. i want to do bad stuff too. im so depressed and make myself look pretty so no one can see the real me.

i love how i look when my hair is wet.

i'm scared of what i have become; and what will become of others through these changes. pessimism outshines positivity and that is the worst reality to ever live in. hopefully things will come right.

I cut myself to feel something but I wish I could do something more

I think I still love someone who doesn't love me.

I'm afraid I'm going to fail at life.

I am in love with some one who I know my mom wont approve of. B/c of his skin color. =(

My boyfriend used to beat me. And if someone asked what the bruises were from I would lie and say I was clumsy...Everyone believed me and no one ever thought it was him because he was such a "great" guy. Now that I've broken up with him and gone through therapy I'm hurt that my friends never worried when I'd come to them with a black eye and bruises on my throat.

I adore my husband, - my soulmate - love...but would rather not have sex with him anymore.

this sounds rather silly but my close friend wants us to dress up together for halloween and even match for pictures when i would rather be a one-man show and have my own costume because i don't want to be lumped together with others.

My fiance is abusive both verbally and physically. I tell myself he he loves me and that he will stop yet I find myself wondering did his previous girlfriends tell themselves the same thing? I love him with all my heart and honestly I will deal with his abuse even if it ends up being the death of me.

I feel I don't even want to be here anymore

I am bulimic, but I'm like 15 pounds overweight. I eat non stop all day, then puke all night.

I think I'm in love with someone besides my boyfriend...I adore him but I can't get this other guy out of my head. I hate people who are pretty on the outside and thinks that makes it ok that they're ugly on the inside. I hate people who fall for that shit even more. I think people who are proud of eating disorders or mental illnesses aren't really sick, they're just saying and acting out this shit to get attention while the people who are really hurting get ignored.

I'm really lonely and I think I am slowly turning into someone I hate someone I promised myself I would never be

every day i wish my dad had died instead of my mom, and i dont even feel bad for wishing it.

I'm a girl but I wanted to be a boy for all my life, Now that I'm 18 I want to be a gay boy... And I am pretty sure I will get there one day.

i still love you

I've been a cutter. I did it once for attention for love.

I hate all my friends but I only stay with them because I don't think I could go anywhere else. One day I'll leave them and never go back.

I am becomming increasingly socially anxious again; "I don't love you anymore" only interprets as: "You aren't here anymore, there's no piece of you left, so you have to be let go... however you're not loved any less..."

i am wanting to date you Neatha. ^_^ hehe

I think you are the most beautiful girl I have seen in a long time. I only regret that I didn't meet you when I was single. I would caress you lovingly and gently like a real woman deserves..... only I can't.....

I wish I could have friends like everyone else. I wish I didnt push everyone away. I wish I wasnt so quiet and could talk to people like everyone else does but I'm always afraid of what they might think of me to the point that they start thinking I'm werid.

I am still hurting even though it doesn't show. Please make the pain go away.

I think I like you a lot Neatha. Will you go out with me? hahaha this is anonymous so you dunno who's askin

Moving Livejournal / Wordpress to Blogger

2010-08-04T19:23:00.001-04:00

Today has been a learning experience. After much consideration I decided to bring my livejournal account that I have had since 2003 over to blogger. That was the worst experience ever and I think it is almost impossible to do so. But I managed it and because I feel sorry for anyone else that has experienced this trying experience here is how:

Step 1: Create Wordpress and import Livejournal to wordpress.

Step 2: Download export file of wordpress.

Step 3: Because my file was over 1mb I had to go to http://wordpress2blogger.appspot.com/ and spilt it into 5 files.

Step 4: Go to http://wordpress2blogger.appspot.com/ and convert all of those files you spilt to a new .xml files.

Step 5: Go to http://draft.blogger.com click on settings and then import blog and load each of the new files on to blogger. If you do not choose to automacally post then sort through and post them.

With that said I officially have all my entries loaded on to blogger. My teenagers years were full of wild and angst so you have been warned if you decide to back read.

Wordless Wednesday - Hello Rabbit!

2010-08-04T00:00:00.000-04:00

Baby Sam

2010-08-02T06:00:00.001-04:00

My mother is a great-grandmother of three, grandmother of two, and mother of three (Todd died when he was 5 however).

Left: Ash, Lex, my mom, and baby Sam.

We went down and met the newest little girl to the family the Sunday before last. She was absolutely so tiny and like a sack full of feathers. She had jaundice but still perfect.

Sam

Xay wasn't quite sure what to make of her especially when my mom was holding her. I do believe he will be slightly jealous whenever he gets older.


Xay checking out his new first cousin.

Xay also got a chance to taste a real strawberry while we where at their house. Then it was off to my Aunt's horse farm where he got to check out puppies and horses.

It was a long day but overall it turned out really well. I can't wait to see how Sam grows!

Smells like sauerkraut!

2010-08-01T14:27:00.000-04:00

We are 3 days into my medicine and no breastfeeding. I came to the decision to use this chance to stop breastfeeding instead of waiting till he was a year old. Though I absolutely do not recommend quitting cold turkey! It is the worst pain ever...my boobs are most certainly not supposed to endure this kind of cruel and unusual punishment.

In my quest for relief I have been using cold raw cabbage leaves (I was a skeptic) and to my utter surprise it was instant relief. The smell however is horrible and I woke up and was almost sick because of that smell. I do believe I will never eat coleslaw again. Besides cabbage I have found that while no longer recommended if I bind my breast (not really tight just make them secure so they won't jiggle) and take a couple tylenol that I will get so rest. All three together are amazing! Mind you this is what works for me and your body might react differently.

Xay on the other hand after 2 nights of being up till all hours till I give up and took him to mom finally gave in. Last night he slept for 5 hours in the playpen and then came to bed with me and slept the rest of the night. He might resort to crying again tonight but at least I got one good night rest.

Tomorrow is bound to be a busy day too. I have to go talk to the people at the college and see if I am going to loose my finacial aid again or if I should go ahead and buy my books and stuff. I know that I need to go ahead and drop my math class which sucks royally because that means no graduation but I guess everything happens for a reason.

Sick Thursday

2010-07-29T17:06:00.000-04:00

I still need to post the meeting Sam post but that will have to wait till I feel better.

Life had been going pretty routine. I have about reached my last straw with PJ and today just might be a catalyst to what will happen for the future.

As you all know I have been on a mild diet / exercise plan. Pretty much anything I want as long as less than or equal to 1550. Which is 50 less then the recommended calories for breastfeeding. Now I wasn't to concerned because I only breastfeed at night and was ready to quit. Anyways I normally eat withing the zone I am supposed to but yesterday I was really aggravated so I forgot to eat a lot. So I yesterday 6pc chicken mcnugget with bbq sauce, half a pack of mini cheez-its, a bite of roast, 1 small glass bottle of pepsi, and lots of water.

Today I wake up and feel horrible. I am shaky, feel sick to my stomach...just horrible. My sugar used to drop when I work 5am shift at McDonald's and this was exactly the same feeling. I drank some water before I realized what exactly was wrong. But I didn't have my glucose level checker thing so I didn't know how low it was. I told PJ to watch the baby so I could go downstairs to eat. Took a couple drinks of apple juice and pepsi and by that time mom was awake asking me if I was up and I went and laid down with her and told her what was going on and she got me a cookie which I took a bite of (not that big of fan of her cookie things) and then she made some toast with jelly I took one bite and knew I was going to be sick. I didn't have much in my stomach just what I ate that morning and then the yellow icky acid stuff started coming up. By that time I knew I need something for the naseau so I would be able to get liquids down. So off to the doctor my mom, Xay, and I go. PJ had came downstairs and laid on moms bed and proceeded to go to sleep while I was in the bathroom. So this doctor is the stupid doctor I have ever went to...ever! Maybe just money hungry....he done some tests that could have been passed if he had of asked me the proper questions and didn't really tell me what was wrong. He gave me Meclizine, Ranitidine, and Promethazine (only if the other meds fail). I am not allowed to breastfeed while taking the meds or 3 days after I stop. So I hope I am better tomorrow.

Anyways while feeling crapy I feel highly aggravated too. PJ says he loves me and Xay and how he wants to be a family...blah blah blah. But the truth is my mom and I still take care of 98% of all Xay's needs. The 2% PJ does do is because I bagger him till he does. That is not how being a dad is supposed to be. My idea of a dad is someone who does check his child's diaper without being told, who doesn't complain when asked to watch his child, who will feed his child, and just generally be a partner. When I need a break it should be PJ and not my mom who steps up to the plate.

Then there is the fact that his attitude has been HORRIBLE the last month. He has cussed at me, screamed at me, made fat jokes, snapped at my mom...just being a jerk. Let me say that I am absolutely fed up. Today was the last straw and the fact that he just stormed out and slammed the door because I wouldn't say who I was txting doesn't help his case. You see PJ has gotten into this habit of staying out till 1-3am. So that means he sleeps as long as I let him. But today when I really needed him to help he doesn't. My mom came up to get Xay and apparently PJ let him cry for so long before he picked him up that he was snubbing. Then PJ came downstairs and instead of staying up and watching Xay while I was sick and mom helped me (and she also needed to go to work). Then when I did get home because mom and I both knew I would get no rest if PJ kept the baby she took him on her paper route.

What kind of guy does that?

I realize now that I deserve better then how I am being treated and my son (while I will never replace PJ) needs someone to be a role model. I am to my wits end and I think that it is time PJ and his brother find somewhere else to live.

Wordless Wednesday -well baby waiting room

2010-07-28T17:15:00.000-04:00

Sucks

2010-07-28T15:02:00.001-04:00

This week sucks. I am terribly aggravated and don't have my computer at the moment so when I do there is going to be a very lengthy post. For now though let's just say that I feel like pulling my hair out.

Striving For 31 - Official Day 1

2010-07-26T16:44:00.000-04:00

Okay so I have been asked what exactly my nutrition plan was and well to tell you the truth I don't have one. I simply eat what I want but watch my calorie count. I have for the most part stick to subway 6" turkey subs or steak subs, either on white or Italian herbs and cheese. But I also eat sour cream and chive baked potatoes. I understand that if I was to eat the 440 calorie big texas cinnamon rolls that I love so much that means I will probably be hungry later and won't be allowed to eat past my set calories. So that means *sniff sniff* no cinnamon rolls. I limit myself to one pop a day and drink water.

As for exercise plan well when it ain't oh-my-god-i'm-melting hot outside I walk. But since I got the wii fit plus I usually just do it. I do a lot of the aerobic and balance games and some of the yoga. I have 30 Day Shred but with the shape I am in it totally kicks my but. I CANNOT do a crunch. Maybe I should say that is my new goal?

So starting weight is:
138.6lbs

This Right Here is My Mommy Swag!

2010-07-24T18:24:00.000-04:00

Where is all the songs for the moms? Jeez! So I know they got the Pretty Boy and Pretty Girl Swags songs so here is my remake (you didn't really think I was gonna rap this did you? lol). This is the Mommy Swag lyrics:

[Into]

Aiii, Aiii

Mommy

Mommy Swag

3.. 2.. 1

[Chorus]

This right here is my (swag)

All the babies are on me, (wow)

Ev.erybo.dy pay. attention

This right here is my (mommy swag (ayeee) (4x))

Baby on my hip when I mommy swag

Baby love my groove when I ( mommy swag (4x))

Baby on my hip when I mommy swag

Baby love my dance when I mommy swag

[Verse 1]

Get out the way

Mommy comin' thru

Got the diaper and wipe

Gotta clean up this poop

I ain't got nothing to prove

This is what I do

They think I lost my game till they see my moves

(A little bit of time)

And that's just how I play

Putting food on the tray (all day)

Don't you know (I go hard)

Trying to be dough

I'm the girl around the way

Still the princess of the J (hey)

[Chorus]

This right here is my (swag)

All the babies are on me, (wow)

Ev.erybo.dy pay. attention

This right here is my (mommy swag (ayeee) (4x))

Baby on my hip when I mommy swag

Baby love my groove when I ( mommy swag (4x))

Baby on my hip when I mommy swag

Baby love my dance when I mommy swag

30 Days For Me - Goal Questions and close to my week 1

2010-07-24T17:57:00.000-04:00

Weight check, nutrition plans, exercise..I feel overwhelmed! But goals I do have and though this challenge doesn't start till Monday I am already a week as of today into my ~~hell~~ challenge. So let's review my goals for nutrition:

Consume between 1200 & 1550 calories per day
Consume between 27 & 60 grams of fat per day.
Consume between 135 & 252 grams of carbohydrates per day.
Consume between 60 & 136 grams of protein per day.
Track calories consumed.

As for how I am doing as of one week here are my stats:

I have eliminated pop except for one a day I have still yet to hit the 8 cups of water. I drink 2-3 bottles of water a day though. With this heat I probably should drink more but I simply don't like water. I thought about adding lemons to it. Any suggestions?

As for exercise, if you have followed my blog you might know that I HATE to exercise..I like to be lazy when I am home and while I tend to be clean a lot (even though my mother is inclined to not believe so) I hate the word exercise. But I have been trying to do it. Better yet I have missed one day of the past seven. I started out walking and it is to hot and Xay goes down for bed when it is cool so that wasn't cutting it. Then my friend Zell gave me her Wii and I was ecstatic! I bounced off to get Wii Fit Plus and have been doing it daily. Yesterday though where I was watching A I walked on her mommy's treadmill. I am still not on my goal though. So here are my fitness goals:

Work out for 90 minutes a week.
Burn 560 calories a week.

As for how I am doing...the day is not over! But as of right now I have 139 minutes of exercise but I have only burned 489 of the 560 calories. So week one is coming to a close, I am at 140lbs and I can already see some small changes.

Here is hoping next week will be as good and here is my answers to Amber's goal questions for her 30 Days For Me challenge.

1. What is my weight loss goal for this challenge?
Well I am taking this longer then 30 days. Making it 30 days itself is a challenge but my goal is to be back to 125lbs by Oct 20, 2010. That is exactly one year since I had my son and would be my original weight before he demolition on my body.

2. What are 3 things I will do during the next 30 days to take time for myself?
I will take time to pamper myself at least once a week.
I will eat healthier.
I will try to go to sleep earlier.

3. What habits do I want to change during the challenge?
Drinking pop, and being a couch potato.

4. How do I want to see my relationship with food change over the next 30 days?
I want to stop eating so much sugary junk and more stuff that is healthier and of more substance.

5. How do I want my relationship with God to change over the next 30 days?
I want to make time for quiet time everyday to set aside a time to pray and just get closer to him.